Six Ways Hollywood Is Planning To Rape Your Childhood

Monday, November 14 by

Monopoly

What You Think It Would Be: Peopl drive around Atlantic City in a top hat, shoe, or hollowed-out dog, trying not to get stabbed and raped. We would expect a painful cameo from Donald Trump.

What It Will Be: Not sure. Something big, presumably. Besides Battleship, which has already filmed, this is the most promising project of the group, having scored Ridley Scott as a director. As such, the producers have tasked the co-writers of Ed Wood, The People Vs. Larry Flynt, and Man on the Moon to write the script. Considering none of those movies suck (and are all essentially biopics), it’s hard to know exactly where this is going. Since Ridley Scott is on board, an action-based premise isn’t out of the question, buy sadly, neither is that cameo from Donald Trump.

With Prometheus and the Blade Runner sequel lined up for Scott, it could be a minute before this one hits theaters. It’s cool, guys. No hurry.

Magic: The Gathering

What You Think It Should Be: Some over the top bullshit Lord of the Rings knock-off with a bunch of crap about elves and shires and warlocks.

What It Will Be: Maybe nothing, as the world of MTG is large enough that it would require a truly epic scope. So basically, this would require a huge outlay of cash by a studio in an appeal to a niche (and somewhat ostracized group, as this isn’t quite as accessible as the world of comic books) that would be let down by anything less-than a Lord of the Rings-type tale. The rest of the world would presumably chalk it up as another fantasy film that they probably can do without.

There is no doubt that the enthusiasts of MTG are hard-core indeed, but perhaps not enough to warrant a large, mass-marketed film.

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