Six Ways Hollywood Is Planning To Rape Your Childhood

Monday, November 14 by

Candy Land

What You Think It Would Be: The saga of a group of children who have to negotiate various candy lands to some end. Maybe to get their puppy back or to educate people on global warming. They pass through various areas that are vivid in color and characters, encountering various obstacles and adversaries along the way. Think of a brighter hybrid of Jumanji and Harry Potter.

What It Will Be: Probably not too far off from what we think/hope it would be. The project got screenwriters (the Kung-Fu Panda guys) back in late March, but the premise had already been disclosed: The “players” (so I guess it’s a game in the film, too) are racing to find the lost King of Candyland as they travel through the various worlds such as Candy Cane Forest and Gumdrop Mountain.

Where’s Waldo?

What You Think It Would Be: Hmmmm. Characters have to locate a lanky peppermint-vestiged man for reasons indeterminate. Perhaps he is “patient zero of some communicable disease? Unlikely. Maybe a consortium of drug dealers are looking for him because he sold them a batch of bad shit? Maybe, but probably not. Perhaps they’re just looking for him because friendship is the greatest gift of all… or something.

We would expect Waldo to be played by John Krasinski or McLovin, though we hope they would get someone better.

What It Will Be: Well, this project has been kicking around in development for several years now, which is never a good sign. Considering how strong the Waldo brand is, the project must have been truly bad for it not to get made. An early treatment had Waldo activating a malfunctioning time machine, which spat him out in different eras. Technically, that should be the premise of “When’s Waldo?” but whatever. Since MGM picked up the rights to the project, they might be looking in a different direction.

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