Screen Junkies’ Celebrity Death Predictions For 2012

Wednesday, January 4 by
See ya at the crossroads, Kathy Griffin.  

At the risk of coming across at best as morbid, and at worst as a psychopath, I would like to say that I have been looking forward to this piece for quite some time. I don’t delight in the death of other humans. Rather, death in any form saddens me. However, it doesn’t sadden me as much as correctly predicting something elates me.

Every year, the passing of famous actors and actresses takes us by surprise, but, with this list, maybe we’ll be a little more prepared, perhaps even expecting some of these deaths. Even if we’re wrong, it will be an interesting sociological experiment to see how celebrities navigate the year when everyone is expecting, if not hoping, for them to die.

William H. Macy

– Suicide by cop

Nick Nolte

– Mange

Sarah Jessica Parker

– Tortured to death by interrogators trying to determine “how she does it”

Michael K. Williams

– Gunned down by actor Jamie Hector

Taylor Lautner

– Accidental drowning (bucket of water)

Robert Pattinson

– Also mange

Mary Steenburgen

– Friendly fire (Afghanistan)

Charlie Sheen

– Undiagnosed shellfish allergy

Bradley Cooper

– Not content with being “Sexiest Man Alive,” kills self to become “Sexiest Man Dead” as well

Kirk Douglas

– Kept forgetting he was alive until he saw himself on Oscar telecast, died of heart attack when he realized, with the rest of America, that he hadn’t died yet

Ted Danson

– Flies to Afghanistan to avenge wife Mary Steenburgen’s death; is killed by insurgents almost instantly

Wanda Sykes

– Complications arising from sass poisoning

Russell Brand

– Attention deficit disorder (the kind where if you don’t get enough attention, you die)

Parker Posey

– Runner-up, 1st Annual Hollywood Hunger Games

Dakota Fanning

– AIDS…just kidding. Little Dakota’s gonna be just fine in 2012

Kathy Griffin

– Kicked by mule

Kevin Kline

– Overdose snorting bath salts

Zach Braff

– Beaten by angry mob for reasons unknown

Mila Kunis

– Killed by Macauley Culkin for failing to acknowledge the couple’s murder-suicide pact

Macauley Culkin

– See above

Casey Affleck, Mena Suvari, Garry Shandling, Bruce Bruce, Carey Mulligan, Lucy Liu, Masi Oka

– Participation Award, 1st Annual Hollywood Hunger Games

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