Screen Junkies’ 1st Annual ‘Sexiest Man Not Alive’ Awards

Wednesday, November 16 by
If these guys weren't six underground...I tell you what... 

Bradley Cooper was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive today. And deservedly so, as he’s a tremendously sexy man. It’s a shame that People has such a stranglehold on declaring who is the sexiest of all living men. Thus we are forced to find other titles to bestow upon celebrities who couple their talents with looks. We could go the “sexiest woman” route, but that’s a little Maxim-y for our tastes.

Rather than tread well-worn territory or lower ourselves to the standards of some puerile magazine, we thought we’d address the elephant in the room: the sexiest men not alive. As best we can tell, this hasn’t been done before, and if it has, we’re gonna do it better.

These guys are so hot it makes me want to take Bradley Cooper and kill him just so he can join this list.

Bernie

This corpse has a quiet confidence that really resonates with people. That, coupled with his sharp, island casual attire makes him a shoo-in for this shortlist. Granted, mustaches were not at the height of fashion when Weekend at Bernie’s came out, but he owned that look in a way that no one had since Tom Selleck. I wonder what Bernie’s up to now?

Probably still dead and rotting is my guess.

Eric Northman

I don’t know if vampires are technically “undead,” and I don’t want to get into a whole big thing about it with the nerd police, so let’s just say that vampires are “not alive,” shall we? Yeah, we shall.

For someone who’s hundreds of years old, True Blood’s Eric Northman looks uh-mazing. To put it in perspective, Michael Douglas is 67 and alive. Have you seen Michael Douglas with his shirt off recently? He looks like shit. Northman is like ten times as old and he looks great. Always taking time to comb his hair and do jackknife sit-ups has really paid off for this vampire.

The Well Zombie from The Walking Dead

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