Bradley Cooper was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive today. And deservedly so, as he’s a tremendously sexy man. It’s a shame that People has such a stranglehold on declaring who is the sexiest of all living men. Thus we are forced to find other titles to bestow upon celebrities who couple their talents with looks. We could go the “sexiest woman” route, but that’s a little Maxim-y for our tastes.

Rather than tread well-worn territory or lower ourselves to the standards of some puerile magazine, we thought we’d address the elephant in the room: the sexiest men not alive. As best we can tell, this hasn’t been done before, and if it has, we’re gonna do it better.

These guys are so hot it makes me want to take Bradley Cooper and kill him just so he can join this list.


This corpse has a quiet confidence that really resonates with people. That, coupled with his sharp, island casual attire makes him a shoo-in for this shortlist. Granted, mustaches were not at the height of fashion when Weekend at Bernie’s came out, but he owned that look in a way that no one had since Tom Selleck. I wonder what Bernie’s up to now?

Probably still dead and rotting is my guess.

Eric Northman

I don’t know if vampires are technically “undead,” and I don’t want to get into a whole big thing about it with the nerd police, so let’s just say that vampires are “not alive,” shall we? Yeah, we shall.

For someone who’s hundreds of years old, True Blood’s Eric Northman looks uh-mazing. To put it in perspective, Michael Douglas is 67 and alive. Have you seen Michael Douglas with his shirt off recently? He looks like shit. Northman is like ten times as old and he looks great. Always taking time to comb his hair and do jackknife sit-ups has really paid off for this vampire.

The Well Zombie from The Walking Dead

An avid swimmer, it’s no wonder where he got his toned frame. Some detractors would say that when his body was ripped in half, with his lower legs and entrails falling back down the well, he lost some of his sex appeal, but I disagree. That just added to the mystery. And mysteries are among the sexiest things in the universe.


Now, thisselection runs to my tastes, and you might disagree. But here’s the thing: I love foreheads. LOVE THEM. And it’s hard to find a bigger, more beautiful forehead on a non-living man than Robocop’s. Ok. Maybe Christopher Walken as the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow, but Robocop just barely edges him out.

Further, Robocop is a protector, and knowing that he’ll protect me in the face of danger is pretty darn sexy.

Eric Draven

Ironically, Bradley Cooper, was set to star in The Crow up until about a month ago, when he presumably realized his sexiness, combined with the inherent sexiness of the role, would create some sort of sexiness wormhole which would cause the bar for “sexy” to be raised so high that no other actor/role combination could ever clear it. Except for maybe Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.

Anyway, the character of Eric Draven has everything you could ask for. Dark, brooding presence, silent disposition, reincarnation as a bird, and the rock and roll bad boy persona that really revs my engine. I also like his very tight shirts and the fact that he hangs out in the rain a lot.

Sure, he’s troubled, but I bet I could fix him.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe

The nerdy intellectual of the group, Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense doesn’t find out he’s dead until the last act, so I spent the whole film falling in love with him as a “sexy man alive” only to find out that I had been falling for a tweed-clad corpse, which was so much hotter, really.

Sure, he’s not everyone’s type seeing as how he’s so soft-spoken and also dead, but there are enough people out there who dig it that I feel this is a very strong entry.

Colter Stevens

The protagonist of Source Code bears Jake Gyllenhaal’s trademark good looks, with a sense of duty for country that is unparalleled. Not only that, but the way he looks after Michelle Monaghan’s character is truly chivalrous. He’s a very handsome man, who has the added bonus of being dead the entire time.

I’ll take him over Eric Bana any day!


Sure, he’s alive when Happy Gilmore starts, but afer he dies, Chubbs (played to perfection by the handsome Carl Weathers) doesn’t lose a point in the looks department. He can appear in my dreams any day!

Ok. I’ll level with you. I don’t find Chubbs to be sexy. I mean, he’s pretty sexy, but probably not “list-worthy” sexy. The fact of the matter is that this list is mostly white guys, and I’ve really been trying to make a concerted effort to include more men and women of color in my lists.

Let’s compromise by saying Chubbs is extremely sexy WHEN HE WANTS TO BE.

Ned Stark’s Head on a Pike

I didn’t want to go down the slippery slope of identifying random dead body parts as “sexy” but I guess I did just that by citing the upper half of the well zombie from The Walking Dead, so it wouldn’t be fair to draw the line there.

When Game of Thrones viewers first saw Ned Stark’s head on a pike, it was an absolute vision, and I’m not the type that normally falls for disembodied heads. (Ok. That’s a lie.) With his slack jaw, it’s hard to tell if he’s smiling or brooding, but either way, I’m intrigued. Also, is it just me, or did Ned getting his head chopped off give him an even more lush head of hair? It’s probably just my imagination, but whatever. It’s doing it for me!

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