Good help is hard to find, unless you live in the movies, in which case, you can craft the perfect assistant to tend to your every need. You won’t get any sassmouth from these assistants, butlers, and houseboys. Mostly, you’ll just get the paper and a piping-hot cup of coffee without having to ask for it twice.

So if you’re in the market for an assistant, but don’t have a lot of extra cash to spend on a pedigreed butler, just swing by Home Depot, pick up a day laborer, toss him in a tux, then show him the following films so he can learn how to really serve his employer.

Howard WeinsteinFather of the Bride

This snobby assistant (played flawlessly by B.D. Wong) lives to serve wedding guru Franck Eggelhoffer. With an oddly Jewish name, the Asian assistant seems to do most of the heavy lifting. Sadly, his appearance was a full decade before the Bluetooth age, otherwise, you can bet dollars to donuts that he would be rocking one in each ear, while explaining why you can’t in good conscience spend less than $3,400 for the groom's cake.

Indicative exchange:

George: Are you Franck?
Howeard: Hahaha. I wish.

Brandt – The Big Lebowski

Humor is overrated, especially in an assistant. I prefer canine-like devotion, as does Mr. Lebowski, apparently. Brandt certainly fits that description. While enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be his strong suit, he’s got a job to do, and he’s going to do it. Further, he suffers abuse from his employer pretty well, which is a really nice trait, especially considering how much we will all want to torment our butlers and assistants once we hire them. I mean, that’s the point, right?

Just because he has no sense of humor doesn’t mean you can’t still treat him like crap, just like The Big Lebowski does.

Indicative exchange:

Bunny Lebowski: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That's marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.

Alfred Pennyworth – Batman

If there was a magazine called Butler Monthly, Alfred would grace the cover at least every three months. No one else really competes. He’s timeless, effective, and integral to his employer’s existence. If Bruce Wayne wasn’t coming home to Alfred, he would live a pretty pitiful existence. Alfred has been Bruce Wayne’s servant since time immemorial, and with the loss of Wayne’s parents, Alfred has grown his responsibilities to include those of a father and therapist.

In fact, Batman’s line of work is so dangerous that Alfred may want to have the unpleasant discussion of being included in the Wayne estate, or at the very least hiring a butler assistant.

Also, when you name your kid Alfred Pennyworth, you’re pretty much charting his career path before he’s born. I wouldn’t expect to see many “Alfred Pennyworth”s playing in the NBA, but I sure as hell expect them to answer the door when a guest calls.

Indicative exchange:

Alfred: I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your accomplice...
Bruce Wayne: Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.

Waylon Smithers – The Simpsons

This is an instance in which devotion to the subject’s employer goes from professional to romantic. Which isn’t really all that big an issue if you’re able to keep the wolves at bay like Mr. C. Montgomery Burns is. Waylon Smithers runs the show, managing Burns’ day-to-day tasks as well as the ins and outs of the power plant, down to recognizing all the drones in sector 7G and all the other sectors, from Homer Simpson to Pops Freshenmeyer.

Indicative exchange:

Mr. Burns (laughing): Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
Smithers: I didn’t do anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: Shut up!

Cosmo – Boogie Nights

We don’t know a lot about Cosmo. In fact, you might not even know who Cosmo is. Cosmo is the mute, nubile Asian boy who ambles aimlessly through the house of wealthy drug do-er Rahad Jackson, lighting fireworks and…tossing them.

One can assume that Cosmo serves as some sort of houseboy, though I’m not entirely sure what a houseboy does. I’m guessing a houseboy does the sex. He’ll do the sex for males or females, but beyond that, I’m not sure if he’s around to braid his employer’s hair, walk the dogs, or do a sexy dance to Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies.”

Anyway, for just wandering around, all creepy as hell, and sporting the curiously anglicized name “Cosmo,” he makes the list.

Indicative exchange:

Not applicable. Cosmo doesn’t speak.

Lloyd – Entourage

Another doormat, Lloyd’s allegiance seems to stem from a mix of devotion to uber-dick Ari Gold as well as the realization that this is what you have to do to get ahead as an agent in Hollywood. The fact that he’s effeminate and dresses like an Asian Payne Stewart gives Ari no shortage of ammo to use against Lloyd just because he feels like it.

Beyond the loyalty and the fact that Lloyd can deal with all of Ari’s shit, he’s beyond capable. While he might not have the killer instinct that Ari wishes to instill in him, he’s well-schooled and quick-witted, enough so that Ari keeps him around despite the argyle vests and the, you know, homosexuality.

Indicative exchange:

Lloyd: This lying is making m break out. God, I have a date tonight!
Ari: Well, I’m sure your date will pop that with his pecker. Don’t worry.

Eddie Kessler – Boardwalk Empire

While all the best servants, houseboys, and assistants are docile, this guy makes doormats look aggro. Despite his undying loyalty and hard-work, Nucky Thompson seems to make it his life’s work to continually rain a shower of shit on Eddie, chastising him for items well beyond his control.

Indicative exchange:

Eddie: I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know you’d be here.
Nucky: I asked for coffee, Eddie, not excuses.

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