May as well face it now. Sunday’s presentation of the Academy Awards will not live up to your expectations. Every year, the Monday morning following the show is ruled by unsatisfied viewers picking it apart and pointing out all the faults. It’s terrible… that we wait that long. Why not pick the show apart in advance? We already know the parts that are boring, and you’re just torturing yourself by sitting through them.
So, here’s our handy guide to when you can leave the couch this Sunday without missing anything that may interest you. If you’re going to waste your time, you might as well waste it doing something awesome.
Unless you’re hungover or a live-blogger (pretty much go hand-in-hand) there’s no reason to watch the Oscars red carpet pre-show. It’s never interesting and who cares who is wearing whom? We’re not our mothers, wives, or girlfriends so there’s no usable information to be gleaned from this. At best we’ll be able to get a look at an A-list actress looking pretty hot. But that’s only good if you’re in the comfort of your own home. It’s generally frowned upon to fap openly at Oscar parties which isn’t fair considering Hollywood will be tossing itself off the entire night.
It seems like every year, producers of the show try to shoehorn feats of gymnastic bendiness into the already too long award show. I see no benefit to having Cirque du Soleil there on Oscar night. Watching people with their genitalia smooshed uncomfortably into zebra-striped unitards twist while they around upside down doesn’t help me understand The Help on any deeper level. If the show is aiming to be entertaining, they should hire a real circus. One with elephants and clowns who spray winners with seltzer if their acceptance speeches go long.