May as well face it now. Sunday's presentation of the Academy Awards will not live up to your expectations. Every year, the Monday morning following the show is ruled by unsatisfied viewers picking it apart and pointing out all the faults. It's terrible... that we wait that long. Why not pick the show apart in advance? We already know the parts that are boring, and you're just torturing yourself by sitting through them.

So, here's our handy guide to when you can leave the couch this Sunday without missing anything that may interest you. If you're going to waste your time, you might as well waste it doing something awesome.

The Red Carpet

Unless you're hungover or a live-blogger (pretty much go hand-in-hand) there's no reason to watch the Oscars red carpet pre-show. It's never interesting and who cares who is wearing whom? We're not our mothers, wives, or girlfriends so there's no usable information to be gleaned from this. At best we'll be able to get a look at an A-list actress looking pretty hot. But that's only good if you're in the comfort of your own home. It's generally frowned upon to fap openly at Oscar parties which isn't fair considering Hollywood will be tossing itself off the entire night.

Cirque du Soleil

It seems like every year, producers of the show try to shoehorn feats of gymnastic bendiness into the already too long award show. I see no benefit to having Cirque du Soleil there on Oscar night. Watching people with their genitalia smooshed uncomfortably into zebra-striped unitards twist while they around upside down doesn't help me understand The Help on any deeper level. If the show is aiming to be entertaining, they should hire a real circus. One with elephants and clowns who spray winners with seltzer if their acceptance speeches go long.

Any Bits That Don't Include Uggie Or The Muppets

The Weinstein Company has already tipped everyone off that Uggie will not be appearing during the telecast. We're hoping that they're dirty, dirty liars so we'll watch all of the skits regardless in the hopes that he'll skateboard onto stage. However, if he truly won't be appearing, it's on the Muppets to make this year's show worth seeing. Hopefully, Brian Grazer has hired them to run the backstage area.

Milla Jovovich

It just wouldn't be a grand celebration of the dramatic arts without including actress Milla Jovovich. Not quite sure why actress Milla Jovovich is presenting. Is she there to remind us that actress Milla Jovovich is an actress? Maybe she mistook Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close for a 3D action film and thinks she's supposed to do slow-motion cartwheels.

During The Shorts And Foreign Stuff

If you're in an Oscar pool, these categories are likely to be wild stabs in the dark. At any rate, it's better to get up and whiz or fill your plates with another round of taquitos while presenters breeze through Best Animated Short, Best Documentary Short, Best Live Action Short, and Best Foreign Language Film. You might find this to be a rude and uninformed assertion on my part. If so, I accuse you of underestimating the deliciousness of taquitos.

Michael Douglas

Dude was in three good movies thirty years ago and is still coasting on the recognition from those. Beyond that, he's smug, vein, conceited and phoney. "Hey kids. We have a special surprise guest for you today.... Michael Douglas! C'mon, kids. A little enthusiasm. No. He's and actor, not the old lady on the dollar bill."

Which leads us to...

Whatever Old Person They Decide To Honor

By the time they got Kirk Douglas off the stage last year, I had grown older than him. What was the point of giving him a twenty minute monologue about how he can still walk unassisted? Was it to scare any babies in the audience? No one actually wants to watch people that old on center stage. I think the success of Up may have sent the wrong message.

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