As a reader of this site, you probably know as well as we do that there’s nothing better than the sadistic killing of animals for pleasure and/or as an outlet for anger. Well, since those liberals in Washington (state) frown on us killing animals for no good reason, the next best thing is watching it happen in TV or film. Sure, it’s a distant second, but it’s more fulfilling than tearing apart a stuffed animal or beating a veal shank with a billy club.

So if you’re having a bad day, the neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking, or if you just realized your childhood ended wayyyyy too soon during that 4th of July party some years back, enjoy this list of people killing animals, but not out of necessity.

Lenny and the Rabbit – Of Mice and Men

Lenny is a gentle giant. Wait. No he’s not. He is a rather violent giant that manages to crush most everything he puts his hands on, like rabbits and road mice. Eventually, after Lenny’s behavior takes the life of another person, his friend George feels the need to act. It’s at this point that George tells Lenny about the rabbits.

The rabbits in hell.

Maurice Miller Crushes The Gold Fish – Out of Sight

After thug inmate Maurice Miller promises to get a pet goldfish to a rich inmate whom he is protecting, Mr. Miller enjoys a change of heart (as is his right) and crushes the bagged goldfish with his bare hands, which isn’t all that much of a feat. There's no real glory in crushing a fish. Maybe a tuna or a halibut, but a goldfish? No way. That’s cowardly.

I'm aware this is in German, but feel it works better that way. 

The Cow – Me, Myself, and Irene

Of course, the cow in this film doesn’t die, but it really should have. Jim Carrey’s Charlie comes across an ailing cow, then, to put it out of its misery, ends up shooting, bludgeoning, and attempting to suffocate the cow to end its suffering. After shooting the cow nine times, we assume that the cow has finally shuffled the mortal coil, only to learn later in the film that the damn thing’s “lucky to be alive.”

Patrick Bateman Stomps A Dog – American Psycho

When Christian Bale’s Bateman comes across the homeless “Al” on the streets of Manhattan, he meets him with equal parts charity and contempt, but after stabbing him over and over, you realize that “contempt” probably won out. After finishing Al off, Bateman stomps on his pet German Shepherd for no good reason, presumably killing it. I feel the Al-stabbing really detracts from the dog-stomping, but both make for delightful cinema.

Time To Pay The Fiddler, Dog – Old Yeller


I don’t know why this movie is regarded as such a tearjerker! At the end of the film, the kid gets to kill a dog with a rifle. Could you imagine a happier ending? It would be sad if the kid DIDN’T get to shoot his bad dog.

Now, I know that most people think that animals should only be killed if their death serves a greater good, like meat or leather. Well, you can’t eat rabid dog-meat, and people flip the fuck out when I wear my dogskin coat, so that doesn’t really apply here. I’m sure they were able to get a new, non-rabid dog. One that looks lik Marmaduke or something.

Farmer Hoggett Kills The Duck – Babe

People gotta eat, and while I would rather get after some delicious suckling pig than gamey, fatty duck, I understand that it takes Diff’rent Strokes to move the world, so I can’t really fault the farmer for axing the shit out of the duck.

Well, I DIDN’T fault the farmer for axing the duck, until I realized that he never got around to eating the pig at all. Then, later on, the pig got loose and ended up running to and fro in the city, all the live long day. He should have treated himself to two meats that Christmas.

She’s Not Gonna Be Ignored, Dan (Rabbit Stew) – Fatal Attraction

Love makes people do crazy things. That’s an established fact. So we really can’t judge Glenn Close’s character for killing her lover's daughter’s pet rabbit, then putting it a stew. What we can judge her for is failing to skin the rabbit before making stew with it. That’s just gross. There would be rabbit fur in the stew. I mean, that’s not just bad cooking, that’s a lack of common sense.

Giddyup – The Godfather

Sometimes you need to make someone an un-refusable offer. And when you find yourself needing to really sell that offer, sometimes you need to decapitate a racehorse. Don’t blame me, I’m just the messenger.

It’s like a really, really, really effective Post-It Note.

Petey The Parakeet – Dumb and Dumber

Note: Killing an animal only serves as an effective message if the recipients aren’t complete morons. But even if the recipients are morons, it's still fun to hurt the animal in question.

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