Other Things We’d Like To See ‘The Stars’ Do Besides Dance

Monday, November 21 by
Did someone really want to know how good a dancer Nancy Grace is? Why?  

Judging from the popularity of Dancing with the Stars, people love watching celebrities do stuff. This may not be a terribly insightful observation, but it’s true. And in my opinion, Hollywood could go a lot further with its TV programming geared towards showing celebrities doin’ stuff. Dancing doesn’t speak to us so well, because most of the audience rarely dances (I’m guessing). With that in mind, how about we petition for some shows that more accurately reflect activities in our own lives, like bleeding. I don’t know about you, but I find myself bleeding every day for one reason or another. Let’s see how the stars stack up!

Crying

I’m willing to guess that Tobey Maguire would run away with this competition, but you’ll have to watch to find out! Different tactics could be used to make the contestants cry. You could describe out loud to Kate Hudson the projects she’ taken since her promising start in Almost Famous. You could tell Richard Gere exactly what people think when they hear his name, or you could show Paz de la Huerta pictures of what she looks like at photographed events.

Contestants will be judged on tear quantity, snot factor, and involuntary convulsions

F*cking

Is Krsiten Cavallari better in bed than 2011 NBA Finals MVP Dirk Nowtizki? There’s only one way to find out! However, because there are so many variables that need to be controlled, the women will have to bang the same man, and the men the same woman. Offhand, I would suggest that the women all get up on popular character actor William H. Macy, while the men bang out the chick that plays Artemis on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

40% of the score will be determined by the sex partner, 25% by a judge or referee that is extremely close to the sex, and 35% by the crowd for “style” points (flexing, licking your lips, high-pitched moans, etc). The real problem is that this premise really does preclude a “kids” version, which is a shame, cause I would watch kids do every other thing on this list, but I have to draw the line. I’m firmly entrenched in the “no” camp of the exhibition of graphic underage sex on national television. It may not be a popular stance, but it’s the one I’ve chosen to take.

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