Judging from the popularity of Dancing with the Stars, people love watching celebrities do stuff. This may not be a terribly insightful observation, but it’s true. And in my opinion, Hollywood could go a lot further with its TV programming geared towards showing celebrities doin’ stuff. Dancing doesn’t speak to us so well, because most of the audience rarely dances (I’m guessing). With that in mind, how about we petition for some shows that more accurately reflect activities in our own lives, like bleeding. I don't know about you, but I find myself bleeding every day for one reason or another. Let's see how the stars stack up!


I’m willing to guess that Tobey Maguire would run away with this competition, but you’ll have to watch to find out! Different tactics could be used to make the contestants cry. You could describe out loud to Kate Hudson the projects she’ taken since her promising start in Almost Famous. You could tell Richard Gere exactly what people think when they hear his name, or you could show Paz de la Huerta pictures of what she looks like at photographed events.

Contestants will be judged on tear quantity, snot factor, and involuntary convulsions


Is Krsiten Cavallari better in bed than 2011 NBA Finals MVP Dirk Nowtizki? There’s only one way to find out! However, because there are so many variables that need to be controlled, the women will have to bang the same man, and the men the same woman. Offhand, I would suggest that the women all get up on popular character actor William H. Macy, while the men bang out the chick that plays Artemis on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

40% of the score will be determined by the sex partner, 25% by a judge or referee that is extremely close to the sex, and 35% by the crowd for “style” points (flexing, licking your lips, high-pitched moans, etc). The real problem is that this premise really does preclude a “kids” version, which is a shame, cause I would watch kids do every other thing on this list, but I have to draw the line. I'm firmly entrenched in the "no" camp of the exhibition of graphic underage sex on national television. It may not be a popular stance, but it's the one I've chosen to take.


Can Charlize Theron take Kate Winslet in a fight? Who would REALLY win between Edward Norton and Brad Pitt? Fights will not be stopped and nothing is off limits. A heavyweight division could contain such favorites as Henry Rollins, Tyler Perry, and Gabourey Sidibe.

Finally, the world would know if Michael Cera can take a punch.

Telling Racist Jokes

You could have the amateurs, like maybe Kirsten Wiig or Chace Crawford, teaming up against the pros, like Michael Richards, Gilbert Gottfried, and Mel Gibson. Also, the world would be pleasantly surprised to find out that Clooney can tell a horribly racist joke, and still come across as affable and charming.


I’m not so interested in why the celebrities are bleeding (though that would be another great show – I’m a Celebrity…What’s Causing Me To Bleed?), but rather how they deal with it. I’m guessing that Johnny Knoxville would just laugh, Larry David david would bitch about how blood is red and stains everything and bleeding wouldn’t really be so bad, pleasant even, if blood was clear.

Also, we could possibly see horrible celebrities trying to act tough, but ultimately dying of exsanguination. Spencer Pratt is the only one that really comes to mind.


You thought you’ve seen smug? You haven’t seen smug! When you hear someone say the drive a Prius, you hear it as a statement of fact. That’s the car they drive. When a celebrity drives a Prius, it’s because they’re brave (so very brave) enough to put aside all the creature comforts their life has afforded them (but just in the realm of cars) so that they can save the environment. Cause lord knows middle America isn’t going to do it.

You’re also going to hear about how easy and sustainable it is to go vegan when you happen to have a private chef. In the event of a tie, contestants, both of whom have jobs which only require 60 days per year, will discuss how beautiful Darfur really is and how you should really visit.


You can tell a lot about a person by how they act in the kitchen. Are they bossy, shy, or defensive? You’d know very quickly. I would like to watch Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation) just grill meat all day long. That would be mesmerizing. Top Chef meets Access Hollywood would be pretty fun. Can Ryan Gosling make a kiwi tart as well as I think he can? Yeah. I bet he can.

Also, it would be sort of interesting to have an office pool for which celebrity will burn themselves with scalding-hot water over the course of the season. My money would be on William Shatner or maybe the guy from Burn Notice. That would be pretty ironic, no?