News broke a few days ago that Bradley Cooper had to quit Juan Carlos Fesnadillo’s reboot of the much-loved 1994 film The Crow due to scheduling conflicts, allowing diehard fans to breathe a sigh of relief. It was hard to imagine an actor that shared fewer qualities with the titular character than Cooper.

Well, the hunt is on for a replacement, with Channing Tatum’s name being tossed around in the rumor mill. Huh. I just got done saying it was hard to imagine an actor that had less in common with The Crow’s Eric Draven, and yet someone was able to find one so quickly! Gotta love Hollywood.

While a studio might go for a pretty face and hope the rest sorts itself out, let’s weigh a few names that actually share some characteristics with the dark avenger, and see if we can’t do a better job than “Channing F*cking Tatum.” I bet we can.

5. Enrique Iglesias

I introduced this entry as a joke because through his videos, Iglesias has so much experience moving in slow-motion through the rain, but I inadvertently sold myself on this one. The fact is that The Crow/Eric Draven seems to be more about the façade than it does about the actor, and Enrique Iglesias is an attractive musician that does brooding better than anyone. Should you revisit Once Upon a Time in Mexico, you’d see that he can play a quiet badass surprisingly well.

4. Robert Pattinson

I’m legally obligated to put him on this list. Sure, his Twilight character and performance don’t exactly move my meter, but his turn in Water for Elephants demonstrated some chops, and the fact that he was chosen by David Cronenberg to star in the upcoming Cosmopolis is also very promising. He’s a more age-appropriate choice than Bradley Cooper, and think of all the money they’d save on pancake makeup by carting out his pale British ass.

3. Gael Garcia Bernal

I know that I’ve gone two out of three entries with Latinamerican heartthrobs, and believe me, it will be something I address with my therapist next Tuesday. I think the Latin loner sensibility plays well here. Remember that the original Crow, Brandon Lee, was Bruce Lee’s kid, so those who remember the character as a corn-fed white boy are horrible, horrible racists. Bernal is probably the most accomplished actor on this list, as he’s appeared in Amores Perros, Babel, and as Che Guevera in The Motorcycle Diaries. With that pedigree, I’m sure he’ll be able to fire a machine gun, scream up towards the sky, and say “It can’t rain all the time,” with a degree of competency.

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Despite the Third Rock from the Sun turn that made him a star, this guy has owned a cool disposition in recent roles such as Inception, Hesher, and even G.I. Joe. Granted his looks don’t exactly scream “struggling rock musician killed before his time,” but that’s easy enough to fix. While he might not have the edge that other actors here have, he’s got the acting skills and presence to nail this thing. The edge can be manufactured.

1. Michael Pitt

My fave. I can’t think of anyone who encompasses the silent, pensive presence associated with the character better than Pitt. He broods, he’s proven himself believable as a heavy in Boardwalk Empire, and he just LOOKS like someone who’s out for justice. He’s got that killer look, and he can say more with a stare than almost anyone else. And if you wanna go on appearances, it’s really not hard to imagine Pitt slowly walking away from an explosion with dead eyes, already having moved on to his next target.

So there you are. While JGL and Pattinson are perhaps too on-the-nose, I took fliers on Bernal and Iglesias, and I think Pitt is the right man for the job.

Some other guys that were close that didn’t make the cut for one reason or another:

Taylor Kitsch

Wes Bentley

Ryan Gosling

Casey Affleck

And a few people I never considered:

John Candy

Whoopi Goldberg

Willem Dafoe

Denis Leary

John Lithgow