Lame: 13 Celebrities Hospitalized For “Exhaustion”

Thursday, January 26 by

Lady Gaga

Creepy pseudo-human Lady Gaga apparently checked herself in for exhaustion six times in 2009. If the rumors are correct, she is actually a roller-coaster dieter and potential Lupus patient, but saying she goes two weeks on rice cakes and water between bouts of Twinkies, and might be a lycanthrope (that’s what lupus is, right? Werewolves?) doesn’t quite paint her as the victim we absolutely must see her as if anything goes wrong in her life. Obviously, this goes for the rest of them, since celebrities don’t screw up, unless they are complete train wrecks, but more on Lindsey Lohan in a bit. Speaking of over-the-top female performers…

Madonna

Of course. OF COURSE she’s exhausted, she looks like the Crypt Keeper and tracks her age in Kim Cattralls. Over the many centuries she’s been on earth, Madonna has made movies, music, a book about sex, and devoured her share of men. I don’t mean that metaphorically, either. Sean Penn used to be a man, then he married Madonna. Guy Ritchie made movies for MEN. During his marriage to Madonna, he grew a vagina (a temporary condition, thank God). When they divorced, she wanted joint custody of his kids, because she needs the souls of the young to keep alive. No doubt her exhaustion came from too much time away from the “youth food,” as she calls it.

She also was anemic and exhausted back in 2008 and 2009, so either Madonna is a shitty planner, or every time she goes through her Highlander-like throes after eating a child, she’s laid up for a few days afterward.

K-Fed

Admit it, the most likable thing about Britney Spears in the last decade was Kevin Federline. Since their divorce and his subsequent successful bid to get custody of their kids, he, um, gave up dancing to become an eater, it would seem. He has been working on losing weight on the Australian version VH-1′s Bruce-Vilanch-vehicle Celebrity Fit Club, called Excess Baggage. K-Fed has been pushing himself too hard and has been rushed to the hospital twice with chest pains. It’s still not exhaustion in the real sense, but it does beat the hell out of an excuse for crazy. Or lupus.