If you have seen any entertainment news at all in the past day and a half, then you know that Demi Moore was just treated for "exhaustion," a dire condition suffered by rich assholes who have forgotten what stress was like, and now lose their shit when they encounter some. Okay, maybe that was a little harsh; it's entirely possible that they are simply covering up something embarrassing/illegal with the exhaustion, which is basically the philosophy degree of medical ailments. For instance, Demi probably bent her penis grudge-f*cking Ashton's replacement, and Tracy Morgan's body probably rejected the clean mountain air of Park City, Utah, what with its lack of inhalants and ozone-depleting levels of vaporous Mormonism.

(Update: Turns out Demi was actually hospitalized after huffing nitrous oxide. Really, whip-its? You're a millionaire, not a 13-year-old boy loitering behind a Missouri Walmart.)

Whyamisotired.com explains "exhaustion" as follows:

Most people feel tired after a busy day, but bona fide medically diagnosed exhaustion is something else entirely. Exhaustion may also be described as fatigue, languidness, lassitude, listlessness, lethargy and languor. Fatigue or exhaustion symptoms are reported by the patient as opposed to being something that is observed by others, which would be a sign instead of a symptom.

Okay, so now I'm more confused than I was, although likely the person writing that was suffering from being retarded.

Demi and Tracy are just the latest to come down with exhaustion. There is a veritable army of celebrities who have checked themselves in to hospitals because life was too tough at the top of a pile of money.

Mariah Carey

Back in 2001, Mariah Carey checked into a hospital because she was tired. I'm sorry, "extreme exhaustion," which is probably exhaustion dyed bright green, base jumping. She did it again in 2002, and her PR people assured the world that it was because she was overworked, and totally not because she was having psychological problems, which, of course, means she was likely losing her shit. Her PR people apparently come from the school of thought where they think the best way to divert attention from something is to call attention to it. If she had publicly crapped her pants, they would have said she changed her pants due to exhaustion, not because she shat herself on stage.

Selena Gomez

As bad as I would love to rip on her, I will take it easy on Ms. Gomez. First off, she's just a kid (what is she? 15?), and I do buy that a barely-legal girl who has spent the last several years in front of a camera might actually be malnourished. It's not like mom set her up to make the best decisions, seeing as how her mom stuck her with freaking Barney when she was 10. That type of thing leads to all kinds of "different" behavior, like dating other girls. Kudos to her mom for being open minded, though. I'm sure Justin will one day make Selena a great wife. Just get the kid a damn cheeseburger.

Lady Gaga

Creepy pseudo-human Lady Gaga apparently checked herself in for exhaustion six times in 2009. If the rumors are correct, she is actually a roller-coaster dieter and potential Lupus patient, but saying she goes two weeks on rice cakes and water between bouts of Twinkies, and might be a lycanthrope (that's what lupus is, right? Werewolves?) doesn't quite paint her as the victim we absolutely must see her as if anything goes wrong in her life. Obviously, this goes for the rest of them, since celebrities don't screw up, unless they are complete train wrecks, but more on Lindsey Lohan in a bit. Speaking of over-the-top female performers...


Of course. OF COURSE she's exhausted, she looks like the Crypt Keeper and tracks her age in Kim Cattralls. Over the many centuries she's been on earth, Madonna has made movies, music, a book about sex, and devoured her share of men. I don't mean that metaphorically, either. Sean Penn used to be a man, then he married Madonna. Guy Ritchie made movies for MEN. During his marriage to Madonna, he grew a vagina (a temporary condition, thank God). When they divorced, she wanted joint custody of his kids, because she needs the souls of the young to keep alive. No doubt her exhaustion came from too much time away from the "youth food," as she calls it.

She also was anemic and exhausted back in 2008 and 2009, so either Madonna is a shitty planner, or every time she goes through her Highlander-like throes after eating a child, she's laid up for a few days afterward.


Admit it, the most likable thing about Britney Spears in the last decade was Kevin Federline. Since their divorce and his subsequent successful bid to get custody of their kids, he, um, gave up dancing to become an eater, it would seem. He has been working on losing weight on the Australian version VH-1's Bruce-Vilanch-vehicle Celebrity Fit Club, called Excess Baggage. K-Fed has been pushing himself too hard and has been rushed to the hospital twice with chest pains. It's still not exhaustion in the real sense, but it does beat the hell out of an excuse for crazy. Or lupus.

Jay Leno

Son of a bitch beat me to the punch on my exhaustion joke:

Exhaustion, That's like a rich person's condition. Poor people that work – they don't get exhausted. Only rich people get exhausted. It's an embarrassing thing.

He says he was worn out because he does the tonight show, writes for 3 magazines, and does stand up. I call bullshit; I talk to people all day, write for websites (which publish more than once a month), and really?  Stand up? Leno? I thought he quit that when he started annoying people as the Doritos guy back in the 80s. Admit it, you sorry excuse for Johnny Carson; lugging that chin around is tiring work. And you freebase vodka. That's just an assumption, but if it comes true, you heard it here first, folks.

Janet Jackson

Janet "Miss Jackson" Jackson (because I AM nasty) has the dubious honor of being the "most normal" Jackson to actually not appear on a "where are they now?" special. Back in 2008, she had to cancel some shows because she was "exhausted and dehydrated." I wish I had a job where "I'm tired" was a legitimate excuse not to show up, and I am at least smart enough to keep well hydrated, just in case sitting on my ass requires some form of exertion at some point. And really, is not bringing along some Poland Spring a legitimate reason to screw ticket-holders out of their money?

Susan Boyle

I admit it; I buy it. Susan Boyle is upper middle aged and comes from one of those towns where no one smiles (in movies, anyway). Literally every one the woman has known is dead and she went from enjoying a bit of karaoke to people crying because she walked into the room (because they're happy), and that can get a little overwhelming. Plus, her emotional psyche is made out of tinker toys and bubble gum. I imagine Ms Boyle being wheeled into a room next to Demi Moore and saying wee girl of a husband was cheating on you, was he? How sad. My entire family is dead and I live in a shed. But no, we're on the same level, you and me.

Lindsey Lohan

In Lohan-speak (similar to elvish, but with more slurring) "Exhaustion" means "24+ hour bender and party-WHOOO! No wait swerve! SHIT! I'm driving!" Seriously, though, she has made a career out of the bullshit exhaustion ploy. Exhaustion is overworked, not hopped up on goofballs and staying up to 3 am. Apparently one of the producers of the movie she was filing during her 2006 incident saw things the same way, since he sent her a letter chewing her ass out for staying up all night. Don't worry, Linds. I once got reamed by my boss for calling in sick because I was wasted the night before. But I had to come in, and spent my lunch break puking in the toilet. If only I had played the exhaustion card...


Supposedly her strenuous concert schedule put the hurt on Rihanna even worse than a fist named Chris Brown. She was placed on a 24 hour "health watch" because she almost cancelled a tour date. Wait, she didn't call exhaustion? Weird. And they gave her a curfew. Oh, I see.... she was probably suffering from the Lohan variety of exhaustion, the kind of tiredness that comes with scotch and late nights. Rumor has it that Mercury records is working her like a horse because he album sales are crap and they hope to recoup their losses by parading her ass on stage. Hang on a second... Did a record label just admit that something other than piracy was hurting sales? Maybe getting back with Chris Brown will knock some sense into her. (Sorry...)

Dave Chappelle

In 2007, Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for the big E. His publicist said what literally every last PR person has said in every one of these incidents "he was travelling, he's fine."  I know travelling can be trying; whenever I drove to visit my in-laws, it was 8 hours in the car, one way, through up-state New York, so I get it, travel is tough. The big difference between me and the celebrities, however, is that I was driving.

I can't give him too much shit, though. He did wind up doing a six hour set at the Laugh Factory. The only thing I have ever done for six hours straight was sleep, and I'm not even very good at that.

Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse was the poster child for the "Exhaustion" excuse. She had to cut a tour short due to being hospitalized for exhaustion, which translated into "Oops, shit. Almost died that time." She actually suffered from a lot of exhaustion, which was pretty sad denial on the part of the people responsible for her. Maybe if they had said "She's really fucked up this time, and maybe we should, you know, let her drink some water and actually get her off the drugs and booze" she would not have succumbed to permanent "exhaustion" last year.

Plus, when rehab is such a part of your life that your fame exists because you wrote a song about it not working, no one's going to believe, ever, that you were just exhausted. It's just as much code for "I drank too much" as "Indiscretion" is for "I boned a LOT of women, but my wife just caught me." Speaking of which...

Tiger Woods

In 2007, Tiger had to miss the first playoff of the FedEx cup because of exhaustion. In this case, it was definitely exhaustion. It's from carrying around all those trophies, reams of hos, and those enormous balls he must have to screw well more than a baker's dozen of women while being married to a Scandinavian blonde. I hear they can summon Thor when enraged.

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