It’s not hard to understand the logic of celebrity cruises. Fans want to spend time around their favorite stars, stars want to be around their fans (at least the ones that choose these cruises do), and the fans also can share the ship with like-minded individuals. It’s win-win.

Unless that person on the cruise happens to be Kate Gosselin. Yup, for the demented individual that likes sun and the open see, but hates those things when Kate Gosselin isn't around to share it, there's now a week-long excursion that embarks in August. That's just enough time for you to get pregnant so you'll have something to talk to her about... cause it would be awkward if you weren't pregnant, cause then you'd have to talk about that bastard Jon.

The caliber of celebrity that signs up for the whole cruise gig is generally not A-list, for obvious reasons. They also tend to be sort of niche, meaning that their fans are borderline insane. I’m sure 99% of the people on these cruises are innocuous enough, but the prospect of being on a cruise ship full of John Cleese fans, constantly quoting Monty Python, would be enough to toss my ass overboard and try my luck with the sharks and the orcas and the undercurrents and whatnot.

So if you’re looking to get away from the cold for a few days, and are totally weird, consider one of these cruises with your favorite celebrity. And try the shrimp cocktail.

John Cleese

Monty Python’s Cleese joined Silversea in 2008, boarding a cruise ship that travelled from Ft. Lauderdale to San Diego. Yikes. That sounds like a really long cruise. I can only pray for Mr. Cleese’s sake that the ship utilized the Panama canal, and he wasn’t forced to go the Cape of Horn route. That would be taxing on even the most polite Brit.

Alex Trebek

This strikes me as perhaps the best fit. I would think that Jeopardy's Alex Trebek is incredibly popular with the cruise set. Plus, despite the fact that 90% of these people would probably be retired, I would have an easier time fraternizing with fans of trivia and jeopardy than I do with R. Kelly fans, though I would have an easier time getting drunk with and screaming at R. Kelly fans.

Give and take.

R. Kelly

Hey! Speak of the devil. This cruise was just recently announced. And it’s pretty much the most insane thing I have ever heard of. What the hell happens when you quarantine R. Kelly on a boat with a bunch of drunk, horny R. Kelly fans? While I know it’s probably inaccurate, the scenario that keeps playing in my mind is the first half of Jason Takes Manhattan, only Jason is R. Kelly.

The Cast of Star Trek

This cruise is so popular that it’s an annual event now for Star Trek fans. Again, a pretty logical arrangement here. No one is going to get on this cruise only to be dismayed by how obsessive and nerdy the fans are. If you’re not a Star Trek fan, you probably will not understand or enjoy this cruise. If you ARE a Star Trek fan, this is probably an awesome time.

The 2012 cruise features Garrett Wang, John Billingsley, and Denise Crosby. Prepare your questions accordingly.

Dan Rather

Silversea, you crafty bastards, you’ve done it again! Dan Rather was aboard a cruise from Hong Kong to Singapore in 2010, presumably to answer questions about his distinguished primetime career (he had walked away from CBS news at this point) and presumably also to put his hand up and once again remind people not to touch his hair.

John Mayer

John Mayer did his cruise about five or so years ago on a lark, running around the sun deck in one of those Borat-type slingshot bikini things. In case you forgot how much John Mayer likes attention, this cruise would serve to remind you that he really likes attention.

The people in attendance were largely women, which is no surprise, but I’m willing to hazard a guess that they were a certain type of women. Namely, the type that scream and order sex on the beach shots when the Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” starts playing. In other words, the type of women who would be happy to help explain how the vision balance from your flex plan carry over to the next year, but your dental is a “use it or lose it”-type arrangement.

That type of woman.

Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth is/was a diminutive German sex therapist that would answer all sorts of nasty question in the 80’s and 90’s. The good news about the people on this ship is that they almost certainly like to f*ck. The bad news is that they also probably liked to f*ck when they were 30, which was in 1975. Her readership/fanbase is old is what I’m getting at.

John Lithgow

John Lithgow was aboard a Silversea cruise in 2009. He reprised a portion of his one-man show (just a portion?) during the voyage from Stockholm to Copenhagen, which sounds like it would be about 45 minutes long.

“Mr. Lithgow! Mr. Lithgow!”

“Yes, you right there, holding up the Ricochet DVD case.”

“Was it just beautiful shooting in the Pacific northwest for Harry and the Hendersons?”

“Yes. It was gorgeous.”

(Beaming) “I knew it.”

Ted Koppel

Silversea, which boasts cruises for guests that offer “an atmosphere that challenges their intellect,” found that Ted Koppel fit that bill nicely. Since hosting Nightline, Ted Koppel has busied himself as a contributor to the Brian Williams show Rock Center. And also, apparently, by entertaining people on cruises.

Koppel gave a lecture on international affairs, and would screen the fourth and final installment of a China documentary he produced with the Discovery Channel.


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