There was apparently a remake of this recently, and I could care less about it. The original was one of the most difficult things I have ever watched, but that’s because I’m squeamish about gang rape. It’s just a thing I have. I won’t get into the bewildering “seduction” that precedes the murder-fest, or the retarded guy’s amazing ability to turn rape into a laugh-fest (seriously, he sounds like a mouse fucking a leaky balloon). No, there is a part where the victim-turned-vengeful-lady is enjoying a nice warm batch with the ring leader of the rape-posse.
At one point, it looks like she’s getting ready to give him a good old fashioned (hand-job, for uninitiated), but in reality she is about to give him a shave with a straight razor. And by shave, I mean circumcision that starts at the base (she cuts his penis off, is what I’m getting at.)
She apparently uses a surgical-grade straight razor, because it’s not until she gets out of the batch that the asshole realizes that his ham-cannon is missing, and then screeches “It won’t stop bleeeediiiing!” Being a guy, I was with him. I don’t care how big an asshole you might think a guy is, watching him get his tallywacker snipped is painful. Luckily his screaming instantly turns the scene into a comedy.
The original Last House on the Left came out in 1972 and was the combined efforts of… Holy shit, is that Shane from The Walking Dead?
Anyway, LHOTL was directed by Wes “Nightmare on Elm Street” Craven and Sean S. “You don’t know who I am but I totally produced Friday the 13th” Cunningham, and as was vogue apparently back in the 70’s, was about some sick assholes raping and murdering a couple of girls. Said sick asshole winds up taking his crew to a house to spend the night, because when you murder and violate a couple of teenagers who just wanted pot out in the woods, a guy gets tired.
Unfortunately, the house they stay in happens to belong to one of the girls they killed, and mom and dad find out. Long story short, and lot of gruesome stuff goes down, and at one point, the angered and grief stricken mom starts going down on a dude. I’ll be honest, if I wasn’t married, I would still be reluctant to get head from a woman who’s kid I had recently cut off in traffic, never mind killed. Sadly for this poor idiot’s Peter, he didn’t think that way. About 20 seconds into fellatio, the mother turns into a monster and bites it off.
You know, that wasn’t really descriptive enough to capture the moment; in reality, she chomps down like a pit-bull, and rips her head back and forth like my Lab trying to yank his rope from my hand. While I laughed when the idiot in I Spit on Your Grave got chopped, I almost cried in sympathy for this guy.
If you don’t love RoboCop, then you are a Nazi and support terrorism; there, it had to be said. I am sure most of us, when reminded of this 1987 masterpiece by the guy who went on to give us Showgirls, think of scenes like poor Kinney getting turned into cherry jam by ED-209, or officer Murphy clothes-lining a robber into the frozen goods. Possibly you recall the little guy taking a toxic waste bath and melting.
If you’re male, you’ve probably blocked the scene where RoboCop shows us how his targeting system works on an unfortunate gentleman with a knife. To refresh your memory, two guys corner a woman and make it clear that they are not after her purse, but would very much enjoy taking advantage of her being a lady. That is the nicest way I can say it.
Somehow, RoboCop is able to tell that shit’s going down, and shows up, quickly pulling his gun because the guy has a knife to the woman and says he’ll kill her. What comes next is a scene so well acted, I fear Paul Verhoeven may have actually killed someone.
RoboCop lines up the shot with the middle of the woman’s skirt and BLAM, this happens:
I was 11 at a friend’s birthday party when I first saw this. The seven guys at the party all simultaneously groaned and covered ourselves. That man screams and falls to the ground, and the rest of the scene is filled with his anguished noises because, let’s face it, nobody saw that coming. In a movie where a man gets his hand, arm and eventually torso shot off with shotguns, that stands out as the most painful part to watch. That is art people.