Junk Destruction: 8 Horrifying Scenes Of Movie Genital Mutilation

Tuesday, February 7 by

There’s Something About Mary

Nut shots are comedy gold, as I mentioned, but the Farrely Brothers weren’t happy with the old football in the groin or kick in the balls; they turned a zipper into a weapon of terror. For anyone who has never seen it or doesn’t remember, Ben Stiller (while in the bathroom) is daydreaming about Cameron Diaz back when she didn’t look like a Batman villain (I’m serious, she’s like the Killing Joke version of the Joker these days). Markie Post sees him zoning with a stupid grin on his face. In a panic, he zips his fly with the force of the Hulk on a bender, and somehow manages, as Keith David put it, to catch the beans above the frank.  Ponder that for a moment, and imagine that not only are your twig and berries caught in a cage of metal teeth, but that they are inverted, with the berries somehow horribly, painfully above the twig. It defies science, and Mr. David looked less terrified when that head sprouted legs in The Thing.

Teeth

I think the poster says it all, but in case it was mystery to you, the movie Teeth is about Vagina dentata. Apparently, that was a thing long before someone decided to make a movie about it. However, in the movie, the main character’s junk (women have junk, too, right?) bites off the junk of guys who piss her off either pre- or mid coitus. At least the rest of the list is kind enough to not involve sex; Teeth ONLY involves it.

The protagonist’s lady-bits gnaw the dongs off of at least 3 guys, and it’s implied that a creepy old fourth is going to find out what it is like when she uses her teeth. Oh, and this one also has a severed dick being eaten by a dog, so there you go. It’s nice to see a pattern emerge.

Pieces

There are more than a few movies called Pieces, but this little gem comes from 1982, and it has a more out-of-left-field curve-ball ending than Sleepaway Camp. Yes, I am totally saying that this movie you’ve likely never heard of one-ups the movie that ends with *SPOLIERS*  ”HOLY SHIT, SHE HAS A DICK!”

If you don’t believe me, someone has been nice enough to make a compilation video of all the murders in the movie, culminating with the mind-blowing ending. In case you are at work and don’t want to lose your job due to accidental boobage in a Youtube video, the movie is about some sick twit murdering girls on a college campus to make a human puzzle, all because mom threw away his nudie puzzle as a kid.

So the movie ends with our hero opening a closet and the Franken-coed falls out and lands on him, and he screams like hell because, who wouldn’t. I will take a second to mention that this is not a supernatural film; it’s a straight-up “nutjob kills chicks with a chainsaw” movie. That matters because in the last moments of the movie, before the credits roll, the hero is happily flipping his jacket onto his shoulder (despite just having had a dead naked chick(s) fall on him), when the dead parts of several women sit up and rip his balls off. Okay, that’s not entirely true; she/they grab his entire package and slowly pull it off.

This is why when I assemble people out of other people, I usually use a watermelon for the head; safety first.

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