There is nothing funnier than men getting hit in the nuts; America's Funniest Home Videos has lasted nearly a century without cancellation based on that fact alone. On the other hand, the utter destruction of a man's genitals is the the best way to make a theater full of men cringe and screech like teenage girls. The following are the absolute worst instances of junk-destruction to ever grace the silver screen or straight-to-video.


This one is a bit of a cheat, as it was off camera, but in the final scene of Braveheart, that wacky, anti-Semitic bastard was not only gutted, they lopped off his Willie Wallace. Okay, I may be getting Mel Gibson mixed up with one of his characters, but if he can do it, I can too.

Hostel:  Part II

I'm going to level with you here; I have only seen the first Hostel. Based on that though, I can guess roughly that part two went something like this; Americans in Europe, probably with backpacks. They meet some people, turns out those people have something to do with a torture racket, and people get cut up after 30 minutes of tit shots. Close? I figured.  

Oh, but I mention it because a dude gets his meat cut off and fed to a dog. Cut off with shears. I'm going to go out on a limb and say someone said some mean things to Eli Roth when he was a kid.

There's Something About Mary

Nut shots are comedy gold, as I mentioned, but the Farrely Brothers weren't happy with the old football in the groin or kick in the balls; they turned a zipper into a weapon of terror. For anyone who has never seen it or doesn't remember, Ben Stiller (while in the bathroom) is daydreaming about Cameron Diaz back when she didn't look like a Batman villain (I'm serious, she's like the Killing Joke version of the Joker these days). Markie Post sees him zoning with a stupid grin on his face. In a panic, he zips his fly with the force of the Hulk on a bender, and somehow manages, as Keith David put it, to catch the beans above the frank.  Ponder that for a moment, and imagine that not only are your twig and berries caught in a cage of metal teeth, but that they are inverted, with the berries somehow horribly, painfully above the twig. It defies science, and Mr. David looked less terrified when that head sprouted legs in The Thing.


I think the poster says it all, but in case it was mystery to you, the movie Teeth is about Vagina dentata. Apparently, that was a thing long before someone decided to make a movie about it. However, in the movie, the main character's junk (women have junk, too, right?) bites off the junk of guys who piss her off either pre- or mid coitus. At least the rest of the list is kind enough to not involve sex; Teeth ONLY involves it.

The protagonist's lady-bits gnaw the dongs off of at least 3 guys, and it's implied that a creepy old fourth is going to find out what it is like when she uses her teeth. Oh, and this one also has a severed dick being eaten by a dog, so there you go. It's nice to see a pattern emerge.


There are more than a few movies called Pieces, but this little gem comes from 1982, and it has a more out-of-left-field curve-ball ending than Sleepaway Camp. Yes, I am totally saying that this movie you've likely never heard of one-ups the movie that ends with *SPOLIERS*  "HOLY SHIT, SHE HAS A DICK!"

If you don't believe me, someone has been nice enough to make a compilation video of all the murders in the movie, culminating with the mind-blowing ending. In case you are at work and don't want to lose your job due to accidental boobage in a Youtube video, the movie is about some sick twit murdering girls on a college campus to make a human puzzle, all because mom threw away his nudie puzzle as a kid.

So the movie ends with our hero opening a closet and the Franken-coed falls out and lands on him, and he screams like hell because, who wouldn't. I will take a second to mention that this is not a supernatural film; it's a straight-up "nutjob kills chicks with a chainsaw" movie. That matters because in the last moments of the movie, before the credits roll, the hero is happily flipping his jacket onto his shoulder (despite just having had a dead naked chick(s) fall on him), when the dead parts of several women sit up and rip his balls off. Okay, that's not entirely true; she/they grab his entire package and slowly pull it off.

This is why when I assemble people out of other people, I usually use a watermelon for the head; safety first.

I Spit On Your Grave

There was apparently a remake of this recently, and I could care less about it. The original was one of the most difficult things I have ever watched, but that's because I'm squeamish about gang rape. It's just a thing I have. I won't get into the bewildering "seduction" that precedes the murder-fest, or the retarded guy's amazing ability to turn rape into a laugh-fest (seriously, he sounds like a mouse fucking a leaky balloon). No, there is a part where the victim-turned-vengeful-lady is enjoying a nice warm batch with the ring leader of the rape-posse.

At one point, it looks like she's getting ready to give him a good old fashioned (hand-job, for uninitiated), but in reality she is about to give him a shave with a straight razor. And by shave, I mean circumcision that starts at the base (she cuts his penis off, is what I'm getting at.)

She apparently uses a surgical-grade straight razor, because it's not until she gets out of the batch that the asshole realizes that his ham-cannon is missing, and then screeches "It won't stop bleeeediiiing!" Being a guy, I was with him. I don't care how big an asshole you might think a guy is, watching him get his tallywacker snipped is painful. Luckily his screaming instantly turns the scene into a comedy.

Last House On The Left

The original Last House on the Left came out in 1972 and was the combined efforts of... Holy shit, is that Shane from The Walking Dead?

The resemblance is uncanny.

Anyway, LHOTL was directed by Wes "Nightmare on Elm Street" Craven and Sean S. "You don't know who I am but I totally produced Friday the 13th" Cunningham, and as was vogue apparently back in the 70's, was about some sick assholes raping and murdering a couple of girls. Said sick asshole winds up taking his crew to a house to spend the night, because when you murder and violate a couple of teenagers who just wanted pot out in the woods, a guy gets tired.

Unfortunately, the house they stay in happens to belong to one of the girls they killed, and mom and dad find out. Long story short, and lot of gruesome stuff goes down, and at one point, the angered and grief stricken mom starts going down on a dude. I'll be honest, if I wasn't married, I would still be reluctant to get head from a woman who's kid I had recently cut off in traffic, never mind killed. Sadly for this poor idiot's Peter, he didn't think that way. About 20 seconds into fellatio, the mother turns into a monster and bites it off.

You know, that wasn't really descriptive enough to capture the moment; in reality, she chomps down like a pit-bull, and rips her head back and forth like my Lab trying to yank his rope from my hand. While I laughed when the idiot in I Spit on Your Grave got chopped, I almost cried in sympathy for this guy.


If you don't love RoboCop, then you are a Nazi and support terrorism; there, it had to be said. I am sure most of us, when reminded of this 1987 masterpiece by the guy who went on to give us Showgirls, think of scenes like poor Kinney getting turned into cherry jam by ED-209, or officer Murphy clothes-lining a robber into the frozen goods. Possibly you recall the little guy taking a toxic waste bath and melting.

If you're male, you've probably blocked the scene where RoboCop shows us how his targeting system works on an unfortunate gentleman with a knife. To refresh your memory, two guys corner a woman and make it clear that they are not after her purse, but would very much enjoy taking advantage of her being a lady. That is the nicest way I can say it.

Somehow, RoboCop is able to tell that shit's going down, and shows up, quickly pulling his gun because the guy has a knife to the woman and says he'll kill her. What comes next is a scene so well acted, I fear Paul Verhoeven may have actually killed someone.

RoboCop lines up the shot with the middle of the woman's skirt and BLAM, this happens:

I was 11 at a friend's birthday party when I first saw this. The seven guys at the party all simultaneously groaned and covered ourselves. That man screams and falls to the ground, and the rest of the scene is filled with his anguished noises because, let's face it, nobody saw that coming. In a movie where a man gets his hand, arm and eventually torso shot off with shotguns, that stands out as the most painful part to watch. That is art people.

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