Today is International Workers’ Day, otherwise known as May Day. It's a celebration of left-wing labor movements, in case you couldn’t tell by the name “International Workers’ Day.”

It’s like the United States’ Labor Day, and although the US doesn't observe it Stateside, it’s a national holiday in over 80 countries, which just goes to show us how backwards the world is and how they should be more like us at every opportunity. These countries “celebrate” with demonstrations and marches.Nope. Uh-uh. It’s not a holiday if it doesn’t involve one of the following: costumes, getting drunk, grilling, or gifts.

In honor of the United States steadfast resilience in not celebrating this commie pseudo-holiday. Here are some of the worst communists in film history.

Eat it, Cuba.

General Bratchenko – Red Dawn

If I had my way, this whole list would be Red Dawn characters, but, like communists, I live under the oppressive totalitarian regime of my editor who says people don’t want to read 1,000 words on why Red Dawn is awesome. He’s wrong, so I’m just going to list the one character anyway.

Bratchenko appears to be the highest ranking member of the Soviet military occupying whatever town Red Dawn takes place in. He uses notorious communist tactics like re-education camps, decimation, and martial law to instill fear in the subjects. That’s the political angle.

As a military strategist, he’s roughly as effective as a sack full of door knobs. His efforts are largely thwarted by eight kids armed by their neighborhood sporting goods store. He’s even lost the faith of his underling and tactician, Cuban Colonel Ernesto Bella, who’s not such a bad guy when you get to know him.

Ivan Drago – Rocky IV

Duh. He represents all the horrible things the communists did during the 80’s, most notably killing Carl Weathers in cold blood. That and the steroid use is what really gets me. This guy is a posterboy for the USSR, and his fall from grace could not have been more satisfying.

What’s perhaps most disconcerting is that he had an Amazon-woman girlfriend that looked just like him, leading us to believe that the Soviet Union was genetically engineering a whole race of tall, attractive people that wanted to destroy the US. Then we saw Boris Yeltsin and laughed about how wrong we were about the tall and attractive parts.

Nice try, pinkos.

Kim Jung Il – Team America: World Police

Granted, he’s a historical figure, but can we please agree that the depiction of the Dear Leader in Team America shows him to be a wretched little man who is more concern with roneriness than he is the welfare of his people and the world. Kim Jung Il’s terrible plan was to bomb every democratic country until they were on par with the third-world nations. Sinister stuff.

Fortunately, Lil’ Kim meets his demise by falling on a pickelhaube, which is one of those pointy helmet things that the Germans wore in WWI.

Take that, communism!

The Muppets (Yup, All of Them) – The Muppets

Fox News, the bastion of all that is free and democratic in the world, called out The Muppets for being “anti-corporate,” in their depiction of the movie’s antagonist, Tex Richman, a Texas oilman who is set to tear down the Muppet Theater.

Of course, this would lead me to believe that the Muppets’ tendencies are more socialist than communist, but I’m not here to “split hairs,” or give “the correct interpretations of political ideologies,” so I’m gonna make a ruling. The Muppets are communists.

At the very least, I have a hard time imagining any of them willing to die for their country. Except for Gonzo. That motherf--ker bleeds red, white, and blue.

Gonzo 4 Eva.

Ivan Danko – Red Heat

You know that a communist is bad when he doesn’t even look sympathetic next Jim Belushi. Danko, played by deft thespian Arnold Schwarzenegger, embodies what comes to mind when we think of communists: giant, stoic, half-naked men with huge muscles and flattops.

While Ivan actually serves to help the US in this fine, fine film, that doesn’t outweigh the fact that he’s an associate of Jim Belushi, which is pretty much tantamount to treason where I come from. Also, Belushi's family is from Albania, which was a socialist state for a while as well, so let’s just say the whole cast of Red Heat are horrible communists and must be stopped at all costs, some 25 years after the movie was made.

Raymond Greenwood – White Nights

This character, played by tap-dancin’ Gregory Hines, is an American who defects TO the Soviet Union. When another dancer who has defected FROM the Soviet Union lands IN the Soviet Union, it’s Greenwood’s job to keep an eye ON the sort-of-repatriated defector while they dance their defecting asses OFF.

It’s convoluted, but if you love the tap work of Gregory Hines (and if you don’t I’ll fight you), then this is your Woodstock. Seriously. If you can watch the above video and not get choked up, then maybe you’re the communist.

That’s all FOR now.