It’s May Day, So Here Are Our Favorite Movie Communists

Tuesday, May 1 by
Wait. This can't be right. Shit.  

Today is International Workers’ Day, otherwise known as May Day. It’s a celebration of left-wing labor movements, in case you couldn’t tell by the name “International Workers’ Day.”

It’s like the United States’ Labor Day, and although the US doesn’t observe it Stateside, it’s a national holiday in over 80 countries, which just goes to show us how backwards the world is and how they should be more like us at every opportunity. These countries “celebrate” with demonstrations and marches.Nope. Uh-uh. It’s not a holiday if it doesn’t involve one of the following: costumes, getting drunk, grilling, or gifts.

In honor of the United States steadfast resilience in not celebrating this commie pseudo-holiday. Here are some of the worst communists in film history.

Eat it, Cuba.

General Bratchenko – Red Dawn

If I had my way, this whole list would be Red Dawn characters, but, like communists, I live under the oppressive totalitarian regime of my editor who says people don’t want to read 1,000 words on why Red Dawn is awesome. He’s wrong, so I’m just going to list the one character anyway.

Bratchenko appears to be the highest ranking member of the Soviet military occupying whatever town Red Dawn takes place in. He uses notorious communist tactics like re-education camps, decimation, and martial law to instill fear in the subjects. That’s the political angle.

As a military strategist, he’s roughly as effective as a sack full of door knobs. His efforts are largely thwarted by eight kids armed by their neighborhood sporting goods store. He’s even lost the faith of his underling and tactician, Cuban Colonel Ernesto Bella, who’s not such a bad guy when you get to know him.

Ivan Drago – Rocky IV

Duh. He represents all the horrible things the communists did during the 80’s, most notably killing Carl Weathers in cold blood. That and the steroid use is what really gets me. This guy is a posterboy for the USSR, and his fall from grace could not have been more satisfying.

What’s perhaps most disconcerting is that he had an Amazon-woman girlfriend that looked just like him, leading us to believe that the Soviet Union was genetically engineering a whole race of tall, attractive people that wanted to destroy the US. Then we saw Boris Yeltsin and laughed about how wrong we were about the tall and attractive parts.

Nice try, pinkos.

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