It was confirmed today that Eddie Murphy will host the 84th Annual Academy Awards telecast, presumably in an effort to distract him from filming Pluto Nash Daycare Doolittle. Kudos to him. We all hope he does a great job after the sour taste last year’s ceremony left in our mouths.

Speaking of sour tastes in our mouths, we at Screen Junkies would like to go totally off topic and present, with limited commentary, a list of previous Oscar hosts who have never picked up any transvestites or transsexuals prostitutes, even if it was just to give them a ride home. I assure you, we are running this list randomly, and it has absolutely nothing to do with today's Oscar hosting announcement.

In fact, we were supposed to run this list like two months ago, but it got stuck in someone’s outbox, and the IT guy was supposed to fix it, but he had a bit of a health scare (non-Hodgkins lymphoma). Don’t worry, he’s fine now and living on a houseboat with his grandmother in Chesapeake. Anyway, we finally got around to sorting it all out with our new IT dude, Craig, who actually seems like a pretty solid dude.

It’s funny, though, that we got this sorted out right when a new host was announced, isn’t it? Weird. At any rate, here are seven Oscar hosts who never picked up a tranny late at night under suspicious circumstances, or at all, for that matter.

7. Bob Hope




I heard that if the FAA finds out you paid for tranny sex, they take your airport away. So if it was discovered that Bob Hope had picked up a tranny hooker, people from Burbank and Pasadena would have to go all the way up to LAX, which is already kind of a nightmare. If Hope had picked up a tranny (which he didn’t), it would have the same impact on Southern California travel that 9/11 did.

6. Frank Sinatra




Transvestites were perhaps the only thing that Sinatra didn’t sleep with. And men. Ring-a-ding-ding, kitten.

5. Johnny Carson




You know what would happen if you cut open Johnny Carson? Apple pies, G.I. Joes, and a transistor radio playing a 1962 Giants-Dodgers game would spill out of him. No tranny hookers for this guy.

Ed McMahon, however, once drunkenly dry-humped a male Cabbage Patch Kid in 1985. Not sure why I brought that up.

OK. I lied about the Ed McMahon thing.


4. Anne Hathaway




Wait. This is supposed to be James Franco. Franco has never paid a transsexual/transvestite for sex. I really can’t get it into it, but Anne Hathaway has absolutely no business being on this list.

3. Douglas Fairbanks




Douglas Fairbanks never PAID a transvestite for sex. Not once. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Fairbanks was never one to PAY for hot tranny sex. Paying just wasn’t his style, dig?

2. Jon Stewart




It took me a few minutes to determine if “liberal” and “transvestite-sexer” were synonymous. It turns out that while many or most liberals do pay for transvestite sex, there are a select few that do not, and it would appear that Jon Stewart is one of these few. Interestingly, he is the only on-air talent on Comedy Central that has not been accused of paying for sex in some capacity.

1. David Letterman




David Letterman is from Indiana, and it’s pretty muc taken as fact that Indiana doesn’t have any transsexuals. That’s why Peyton Manning will never leave.

Sure, Letterman was hosting his show out of Manhattan when he got picked for Oscar duty, and NYC is perhaps the transvestite capital of the world, but Letterman was living in Connecticut, where there continue to be remarkably few alternative lifestyles.