In Honor Jon Bon Jovi Not Dying, Here Are His Collected Master Works

Tuesday, December 20 by

New Year’s Eve

Look, New Year’s Eve is the biggest and most important night of the year. Everyone is in a party mood and ready to project their hopes toward the future. It only makes sense that the number one party destination in the film New Year’s Eve is to see Jon Bon Jovi sing in concert. He doesn’t actually play himself but, close enough. We all see the parallels. Besides, there’s only one man who can play Jon F***in’ Bon Jovi, and that’s Jon Bonnin’ F*** Jovi. Err, I screamed that one up.

Vampires: Los Muertos

In this sequel to John Carpenter‘s Vampires, Jon uses his natural ability to be cool under pressure and dazzle as freelance vampire hunter, Derek Bliss. He goes from breaking hearts to staking them when he’s hired to clean out a nest of suckers in Mexico. But Bon Jovi being Bon Jovi, things get complicated when he and a sexy vampiress fall for one another. Will he have to decapitate his new undead love and watch her burn in the sunlight? No. But he does it to a ton of other vampires and it’s hilarious.

Pay It Forward

Few men stand a chance when pitted against Jon Bon Jovi for a woman’s affections. If a guy is burned and physically deformed like Kevin Spacey‘s character, then they’re completely out of the race. Even if JBJ’s character is an abusive alcoholic who is likely to wail on Haley Joel Osment like he was Tico Torres and Haley Joel were the drums. To use the old Spanish phrase, many regard this film to be “a piece of shit.” It’s credited in helping to kill the very successfull career of Osment. That and puberty.

Perhaps if there were more scenes with Jon Bon Jovi, this film wouldn’t be so hated. You don’t hear anyone talking bad about Vampires: Los Muertos.

Do you like this story?