Close call yesterday, guys. Amidst the news of Kim Jong-il's passing came bogus (thankfully) reports that New Jersey's fourth favorite son, Jon Bon Jovi, had also died. Rest assured he is alive and well and his hair looks fantastic. But we almost lost a true American artist, a man who has entertained for years with his contributions to the worlds of music, movies, television, and extreme football. We all know Bon Jovi, the international rock and roll superstar. But did you know he's also a lawyer? And a college professor? And a recovering alcoholic? And a vampire hunter?? The man wears many faces... faces we're glad aren't decomposing.

So, raise a glass to JBJ. Without him, Young Guns wouldn't have been nearly as awesome.

Jon Bon Jovi: THE ACTOR

Before you can celebrate the theatrical works of Jon Bon Jovi, you need to understand what brought him to the silver screen. You see, as this random British guy explains, Jon Bon Jovi always saw himself as a musician with no ambitions outside of that. Why should he become an actor? Then the whole Napster thing happened, and Bon Jovi eagerly jumped into a film career. They leave that last part out.


Proving he's not just good looks and amazing talent, Jon Bon Jovi effortlessly loses himself in the role of Mr. Walker, the attractive journalism professor. But is there more going on here? He's been known to bed a female student or two, but is he also the campus's crazed killer who is death-bedding them? I won't spoil the outcome of this IMPORTANT FILM, but it probably goes without saying that this killer is wanted... dead or alive. The plot of Cry_Wolf is as twisty as a highway road that's slippery when wet.


Bon Jovi shows considerable range by playing a loser in National Lampoon's Pucked. His character, Frank, is a former lawyer who can't get his act together. When he receives a credit card in the mail, he quickly runs a bill of $300,000 by fulfilling his lifelong dream of creating an all woman's hockey team. Then the evil credit card company, who can't understand somebody just wanting to chase their dreams, takes Frank to court. With a little bit of support from a chubby version of Estella Warren, he finds the confidence he needs to defend himself and clear his debt. It also stars David Faustino.

New Year's Eve

Look, New Year's Eve is the biggest and most important night of the year. Everyone is in a party mood and ready to project their hopes toward the future. It only makes sense that the number one party destination in the film New Year's Eve is to see Jon Bon Jovi sing in concert. He doesn't actually play himself but, close enough. We all see the parallels. Besides, there's only one man who can play Jon F***in' Bon Jovi, and that's Jon Bonnin' F*** Jovi. Err, I screamed that one up.

Vampires: Los Muertos

In this sequel to John Carpenter's Vampires, Jon uses his natural ability to be cool under pressure and dazzle as freelance vampire hunter, Derek Bliss. He goes from breaking hearts to staking them when he's hired to clean out a nest of suckers in Mexico. But Bon Jovi being Bon Jovi, things get complicated when he and a sexy vampiress fall for one another. Will he have to decapitate his new undead love and watch her burn in the sunlight? No. But he does it to a ton of other vampires and it's hilarious.

Pay It Forward

Few men stand a chance when pitted against Jon Bon Jovi for a woman's affections. If a guy is burned and physically deformed like Kevin Spacey's character, then they're completely out of the race. Even if JBJ's character is an abusive alcoholic who is likely to wail on Haley Joel Osment like he was Tico Torres and Haley Joel were the drums. To use the old Spanish phrase, many regard this film to be "a piece of shit." It's credited in helping to kill the very successfull career of Osment. That and puberty.

Perhaps if there were more scenes with Jon Bon Jovi, this film wouldn't be so hated. You don't hear anyone talking bad about Vampires: Los Muertos.

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