If Phone Calls In The Real World Were Like Phone Calls In The Movies

Wednesday, October 12 by

Scenario 3:

Jack Bauer: Mr. President, do I have authorization to initiate the breach?

President Blackman: Can you guarantee minimal collateral damage?

JB: Sir, with all due respect, there is a nuclear warhead somewhere in this Pottery Barn, and if I can’t get to the hostiles in time, then dead soccer moms will be the least of our worries.

PB: Dammit, Jack. You better know what you’re doing. Proceed with breach.

JB: Copy, Mr. President.

(hangs up, dials SEAL commander to give green light)

JB: Johnson, I just got off the line with the president and want you to know that we’re…(phone beeps)

Hang on. It’s President Blackman. Stand by.

JB: Yes, Mr. President?

PB: Oh, nothing, I guess.

JB: Mr. President, WHAT IS IT?

PB: Well, it’s just that you didn’t say “goodbye.” It’s no big deal. I guess I’m just being sensitive.

JB: President Blackman, there is a nuclear threat that has put all of Orlando in jeopardy. There’s no time for this!

PB: So you’re telling me there’s no time for my feelings, Jack? “Goodbye, Mr. President.” See? That took about two seconds.

JB: We don’t have two seconds. And we certainly don’t have time for this call.

PB: If you cared, you’d make ti—

(Orlando explodes.)

As often as movie characters don’t say goodbye in person, but rather walk out of the room stoically, they fail to say goodbye on the phone, instead folding their RAZR’s closed silently in dramatic fashion. Have you ever gotten off the phone without saying goodbye to someone? It’s the biggest mistake you’ll make all day. Best case, they’ll wonder if you’re mad at them. Worst case, they take it as a sign of tacit hostility.

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