How Will Scientology Assassinate Katie Holmes? A Screen Junkies How-To

Tuesday, July 3 by

After four days in hiding, Katie Holmes emerged from the New York City apartment early this morning, surrounded by a security detail of gigantic bodyguards. The actress is fearful that Scientology officials are stalking her and may attempt to kidnap her six-year old daughter, Suri, so she isn’t taking any chances in her first public appearance since she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.

Judging from the photos, Holmes means business. If the Church of Scientology wants to get to Katie, they’re going to have to step up their game. She’s likely hired top-level security, so in order to win this day, Scientology will have to recruit the best of the best. But they can’t go the traditional route. These guys are going to be on the look-out for ninjas and poisoned lattes. What Scientology needs here is someone who can get in and get out without anyone every realizing they were there.

Here are our recommendations.

Mike the Cleaner

As the right-hand man to Breaking Bad’s Gus Fring, Mike the Cleaner has proved time and time again that he is the man for the job. Whether he’s rescuing hostages or cutting the head off the Mexican Cartel, this former cop seperates emotion from the job. Killing is just business. This allows him to maintain a cool and collected demeanor as he works effectively and efficiently. He’s also aided by his ingenuity as he uses unorthodox methods to stay several steps ahead of his marks.

That Queef Monster from Game of Thrones

The biggest problem the Scientologists are now facing is actually accessing Katie. Press is camped out outside her apartment twenty-four hours a day and her security team are highly-decorated. Season two of Game of Thrones showed us the most cunning and effective way of getting behind enemy lines. The plan is actually quite simple. Tom Cruise will need to impregnate a Red Priestess. She will carry the child to term within a day or two and then fart the shadowy demon killer out of her vagina. The abomination will then slink into Holmes’s private tent and kill her where she stands before dissipating into thin air, leaving behind stunned onlookers who will likely shoulder the blame.

This plan does have its drawbacks however. This is powerful magic that Cruise would be affiliating himself with. Far more powerful than any magic the Church of Scientoloy is able to conjure. Would this coax Tom away from his religion? And what weight would these dark dealings bear on his soul? Also, he’d have to touch a girl. Gross.

The Order of Taraka

Employed by both humans and demons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s The Order of Taraka can definitely get this difficult job done. This society of feared assassins and bounty hunters are close to unstoppable. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Rupert Giles weighing in on the subject. “They are masters of deceit. Vampires are bound by the night, but these predators can be anywhere, anytime. They can appear as normal as the next person. Just another face in the crowd. You might not ever know when one of them is near – not until the moment of your death.”

Which makes you think. Katie is going to grant an exclusive interview eventually. Whose to say that the Order doesn’t have assassins embedded at Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood? Nancy O’Dell has always seemed a little too well-polished.

The Mechanic

As far as the Church of Scientology is concerned, Katie Holmes is a problem. Arthur Bishop (aka The Mechanic) is a man who fixes problems.

A master assassin, Bishop is essentially invisible. He specializes in making his hits look like accidents, suicide, or the acts of petty criminals. Or sometimes they will just be disappeared altogether.

Those Snakes on a Plane Snakes

Well, it’s likely that the Scientologists won’t hide a time-released crate full of snakes on Holmes’s airplane. The movie blew the whistle on that genius plan and now professionals are constantly on the lookout for it. However, they could hide poisonous snakes elsewhere in the hopes of taking out the unsuspecting former Mrs. Cruise. Ventilation ducts, elevator cars, or even in a can of peanuts are all viable places to catch Katie Holmes off guard.

Brother Mouzone

People see the bowtie and the last thing they think is ruthless killer. However, The Wire’s Brother Mouzone is exactly that. Well-mannered and bespectacled, the erudite assassin could easily gain access to high-level events that Holmes might attend, like a Broadway opening or an awards show or a guest slot on The View. The only other assassins capable of gaining access to such events are the Inglorious Bastards. And those guys are like a hundred years old by now.


When the future‘s first attempts to kill John Connor failed, they sent back a better killing machine. Although, they probably should have just sent the better killing machine first or back to a time before they sent the original Terminator. I’m not trying to tell a self-aware artificial intelligence system how they should go about overthrowing humanity, but c’mon. If you’re going to actually go to all of the trouble of time travel, might as well do it right.

Anyways, back to Katie Holmes. The T-1000 could easily disguise itself as a member of her security team or a co-star. Better yet, Holmes could get cast in a film also starring Robert Patrick. She’s down to that level in her career by this point, right?

James Van Der Beek

With Don’t Trust the B—- In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek has proven that he’s willing to trade-in on his image. So, why not sell-out a former co-star? That’s not so far out of the question. Plus, it would grant him access to all of the freedoms that Scientology has to offer. Just imagine, never being publicly referred to as Dawson again. All he has to do is push Holmes back when she inevitably climbs through his window seeking comfort.

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