Everything I Know About Kentucky I Learned From Watching ‘Justified’

Thursday, March 8 by

It Is Impossible To Be Underdressed For Anything In Rural Kentucky

This may not come as much of a surprise, but barring perhaps a baptism, any event is basically an invitation to arrive sleeveless, trucker-hat-befitted, and, if applicable, with Nazi neck tattoos. Somewhat similarly, it’s very difficult to determine how much money a Kentucky criminal has. The Bennett clan last season was widely feared despite “only” running a marijuana cultivation business. To garner that level of fear, I would say that you’re pulling in about a million bucks a year. Same with Bo Crowder, who was regularly consorting with organized crime kingpins due to his reach and competency, but didn’t really think of getting a haircut or even clean clothes.

They all drive crappy cars, except for outsiders, like Robert Quarles, who dresses rather foppishly, which may have something to do with his mysterious predilection for torturing male hustlers. Only time will tell.

Speaking of Quarles, there’s one more point that need be made here…

Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon Is Something That Will Complete My Life

If you have any sort of affinity for bourbon or any other alcohol, watching Justified is like watching Pulp Fiction if you smoke. It makes you want alcohol more than anything else in the world.

Now, I fancy myself a student of spirits, so I’m familiar with most brands of bourbon, and have sampled the large-batch versions. However, when Detroit mob man Robert Quarles showed up, he kept ordering a type of bourbon called Pappy Van Winkle. I thought, owing to its ridiculous name, that it was some sort of fictional drink to make the antagonist seem ridiculous in addition to dangerous, sort of like Col. Landa’s giant pipe during the opening of Inglourious Basterds.

Anyway, Pappy Van Winkle is a very real, very rare bourbon that will set you back about $70 a bottle if you’re lucky enough to find it. You can read all about it here. My new mission in life is to track down a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. Then I’m gonna drink it in one sitting before sleeping with a beautiful woman. Just like Raylan Givens would.

With that, I have gleaned as much as I could have hoped to about Kentucky, all due to the FX law enforcement action series, at least until they teach us something new, like everyone in Kentucky is quietly working on a heavy water reactor that will power the Eastern seaboard until the end of days, which they all know is ACTUALLY 2022. The Mayans messed up the tens column.

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