An Incomplete Guide To Michael Bay’s Ridiculousness

Wednesday, March 21 by
"This is an important shot people. NASA would only give us ONE spaceship." 

A few fun little nuggets of information have been floating around the Internet over the past few days. First off, Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company is going forward with a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot or sequel or reimagining or something. Secondly, he suggested that the mythology of the hard-partying turtles will make them out to be aliens, because he believes that alien mutant ninja turtles are way more believable than ones that just come out of some ooze.

Here’s what he has to say about that:

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

That’s the second nugget. The third nugget is Michael Bay’s response to these fans, namely a Robbie Rist, who voiced Michaelangelo in the 1990 original film. Ole’ Robbie seems to be a little upset, claiming that Bay is “sodomizing” the original movies, and causing the “rape of our childhood memories.” If I was better with Photoshop, I would create a picture of Michael Bay sodomizing a Ninja Turtle, but I’m not, so you’ll just have to imagine it.

Michael Bay’s response, which is actually pretty level-headed, except for the part where Bay claims that he can build a richer world (via his website):

“Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.”

In light of the characteristically over-the-top fan reaction, it’s easy to gloss over the characteristically over-the-top idea Michael Bay had to just sort turn everything into aliens because it’s more “believable.” However, when one looks at Michael Bay’s filmography and the stories about him, this news should come as no surprise. It’s almost as though he’s a comic book character that’s living in a regular person’s world. Like Jessica Rabbit.

Here are a handful more instances of Michael Bay going a little over the top for the sake of his own delusions.

Casting Rosie Huntington-Whiteley In Transformers 3

When looking for a replacement for the batshit-crazy Megan Fox, Michael Bay, with uncharacteristic logic, went to audition Victoria’s Secret models. Rather than recant the story, here’s Rosie Huntington-Whiteley recapping her first run-in with the Mr. Bang-Bang-Go-Boom (from GQ’s oral history of Michael Bay):

“I first met Michael back in 2009; it was on the set of the Christmas commercial for Victoria’s Secret. I remember the first thing Michael said to me— before he even introduced himself or asked me my name—was “Can you walk?” And I looked at him like, “What is this man talking about? Yeah, of course I can walk.” And then he proceeded to tell them to get me in the car, and then I was driven—I mean, honestly, I want to say it was about half a mile out in the desert. I kept thinking, “This is a joke, right?” And the car dumped me in the middle of the desert. All I was wearing was a bra and underwear and a big, billowing, black, floor-length cape and high heels. And he says, “OK, when we shout action, you’re going to walk!” and I assumed I would be doing this in several stages. They yelled action, and the car sped off back to set, and I just was like, “Well, what am I supposed to do?” So I walked all the way back to where the camera was standing, which took me—I would say a good 10, 12 minutes, and it was a proper runway stomp—on salt flats; it was like 100 degrees, felt like fire. I remember walking back and being not impressed by the whole thing. I was pretty pissed off afterwards; I just looked at Michael, and he goes, “I guess you can walk, then.”

Couldn’t he have figured all that out by, ya know, just watching tapes of her? This story would have been much better if Rosie Huntingon-Whiteley had, for some reason, been unable to walk, and collapsed in the desert, only to have Michael Bay yell (through a megaphone in my mind), “I guess you can’t walk, then,” only to speed off while she languishes in the sand.

Now THAT would be quintessentially Bay!

Signs Like These

These signs were scattered throughout downtown Chicago during the filming of the second Transformers film, the name of which is completely unimportant. The sign is asking too much of me, because if I see that sign, I’m going to immediately sense that Michael Bay is nearby, and that’s going to alarm me whether I want it to or not.

To his credit, Michael Bay has done quite a job making a name for himself as the king of over-the-top action films, as no one would look at that sign and think to themselves, “Oh. Is Robert Altman or Wes Anderson shooting a movie here?”

He May Have Reused Shots From The Island In Transformers 3


But the best part is, we’ll never know if he is using the same footage over and over again, or if that’s just Bay’s idea of “original footage.” Either way, it’s pretty damn funny that we can’t even tell if he’s reusing footage or ideas because he’s so one-note to begin with.

And finally:

A Closing Quote


“Fast cars are my only vice.”

Ok. One more freebie with no commentary….

His Official Fan Forum Is Entitled Shoot For The Edit, Whatever The Hell That Means

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