A Tale Of Two Cubes: Family-Friendly vs. N.W.A. Ice Cube

Thursday, November 17 by
When those three men looked at it me, that was the most scared I had ever been in my entire life.  

With discussion of a fourth Friday film surfacing, it’s hard not to revisit the first installment, an irreverent comedy that also proved to be the Rubicon that Ice Cube crossed going from “gangster rapper and dramatic actor” to “guy who plays characters who always seem to be surrounded by WAY too many kids.” As we have already witnessed Mr. Cube’s metamorphosis, let’s see how the current works of Ice Cube stack up against the image he projected in the late 80’s and early 90’s with rap group, N.W.A.

Are We There Yet?

Dumb ho said somethin’ that made me mad

She said somethin’ that I couldn’t believe
So I grabbed the stupid bitch by her nappy-ass weave
She started talkin’ shit, wouldn’t ya know
I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho
Her father jumped up and he started to shout
So I threw a right cross and knocked his old ass out

(Plot Synopsis)
In Are We There Yet? Ice Cube plays Nick, a successful playboy who must take his girlfriend’s kids on a road trip from Portland to Vancouver. However, having never liked any of their mom’s boyfriends, the kids are hellbent on making life difficult for Nick.

How N.W.A is this plot? (Scale of 1-10, “10” being gangster as f#ck, and “1” being a mark-ass bitch): 2

Sooooo many inconsistencies here. That crazy motherf#cker named Ice Cube would have taken precisely zero shit from these kids. If they had hassled him at all, he would have tied them up at gunpoint in the back of the RV. Also, a member of N.W.A. would never find himself in the Pacific Northwest, and would certainly not be allowed to enter Canada. Finally, N.W.A. members make babies, they don’t raise them.

The Longshots

As I swung, tha fat girl fell
Lyin on tha ave just like a beach whale
That’s tha story, it’s quite ill
and all fat girls y’all besta chill
All overweight freaks stay off my block
Cause it’s eerie to have a fat girl on your jock

(Plot Synopsis)
In The Longshots, Cube plays a down-on-his luck football star who turns his niece into the team’s quarterback. When he takes over coaching duties for the team, the misfit bunch of players find their way in the Pop Warner Super Bowl. His niece struggles to be accepted by her teammates and faces adversity when her deadbeat father comes back into her life after she receives national attention, as Pop Warner quarterbacks so often do.

How N.W.A is this plot? (Scale of 1-10, “10” being gangster as f#ck, and “1” being a mark-ass bitch): 5

I can see Cube coaching a Pop Warner football team and saying things like “Take it down the field, little man,” but I can’t ever see a member of N.W.A. being “down on their luck.” Ok. Maybe MC Ren. But it’s been my experience that members of N.W.A. generally fall into one of two camps: “Hard-as-shit G’s” or “dead.” Also, members of N.W.A. are not former athletes. They’re the guys that kill former athletes in the middle of the night.

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