A Guide To Seeming As Pretentious As Possible When Discussing ‘The Artist’

Monday, January 2 by
I thought the whole point of the passage of time was that we didn't have to be subjected to films that look like this anymore.  

If, God willing, you’re anything like me, you would sooner gnaw off your own thumbs than subject yourself to the critical darling film The Artist. However, if you’re anything like me, you want everyone to think that you’re better than them, so you want to talk about how much you enjoyed The Artist, and how you appreciate the film on levels that they only experience in their wet dreams.

Good news. You can exercise these sociopathic tendencies fluidly by adhering to this guide. The tips presented here allow you to appear superior to others, with the added benefit of suggesting that you have no regard for their opinions or existence.

- Constantly Pepper Your Discussion With The Phrase “Duality Of Man”
 
- Only Discuss It In The Context of Other, More Obscure and Pretentious Films You’re Sure No One Has Seen
 
- When Someone Tries To Make A Point About The Film Smile Incredulously As You Slowly Take Off Your Square Glasses
 
- Keep The Fact That You Haven’t Seen The Film Because It Looks Really Boring A Total Secret
 
- Remember That No One Worth Talking To Has Actually Seen The Artist, So You Can Pretty Much Lie And Say It’s About A Dog And His Penguin Friend That Fight Crime
 
- Recommend The Film With The One Caveat That The Film Is Incredibly “About Itself.” If People Ask What You Mean, Stand There Silently And Try To Stream Blood From Your Eyes
 
- If People Ask You For Your Thoughts On The Artist, Tell Them To Wait Right There While You Go By A Cashmere Scarf So That You Seem More Artistic When Discussing The Film
 
- Don’t Refer To The Film As “Standing In The Shadow Of Chipwrecked
 
- Cite A.O. Scott’s Review, But Don’t Pull A Copy From Your Pocket And Read Directly From It
 
- Remember That It Isn’t About A Family From Pittsburgh That Takes In A British Butler. That Was The TV Show Mr. Belvedere
 
- Careful When You Talk About Aspects Of The Artist “Not Being Black And White,” Because The Film Was Shot Just That Way
 
- Start Off Praising The Performance Of Star Jean Dujardin. Your Audience Will Immediately Tune Out And You Can Pretty Much Say Anything From Then On Out
 
- You Shouldn’t Really Dwell On The Fact That The Guy That Played Borat’s Producer Is In The Film, And You Certainly Shouldn’t Experience A Visible Erection When Mentioning It
 
- When You Talk About Geoffrey McNab’s Glowing Review from the Cannes Film Festival, Feel Free To Pronounce It “Can” or “Con.” You’ll Sound Like A Haughty Prick Either Way
 
- Discuss The Postmodern Aspects Of The Film. It’s Really Hard To Disprove That A Work Of Art Has Postmodern Aspects Because The Wikipedia Entry On Postmodernism Might As Well Be Written In F#cking Greek
 
- No Matter How Much You Want To Use The Word, Don’t Describe The Production Design Of The Film As “Faggy”
 
- Take Off Your Tim Tebow Jersey Before Classifying The Film As A “Tepid Copy-Of-A-Copy of Truffaut”
 
- Don’t Bite Anyone Who Disagrees With Your Analysis Of The Film
 
- Limit Yourself To Three “Jacking Off” Motions During A Conversation About The Acting Performances
 
- Limit Yourself To Zero Instances Of Actually Jacking Off When Talking About The Acting Performances, Especially When Specific To John Goodman

Do you like this story?