9 Stars Who Should Be Detained Indefinitely Without Trial

Thursday, December 15 by

President Obama has caused an outcry today by unexpectedly abandoning a plan to veto a new security law that would allow the military to detain suspected terrorists indefinitely without trial, even if they are American citizens. This defies a pillar on which this nation was built – everyone has the right to a fair trial. To flush this away is an uncharacteristic move for Obama, as he was originally opposed to the law, or so he said. Has Cobra gotten to him? Could be. That’s totally their M.O..

Whichever side you stand on with this issue, there is one thing that should unify us. Celebrities don’t have rights. That’s why we should promptly lock away a few and throw away the key. Nine possible threats to the free world are listed below, along with some sound reasoning as to why they should spend the rest of their days in a dark hole at an undisclosed location.

Russell Brand

Though totally enjoyable under the right conditions, Russell Brand has to be stopped. And it seems like he realizes this. He’s seem more chilled out as of late and focused more on career and family rather than being a total queef. But there’s always potential for a slide-back, or worse, a poorly handled Peter Sellers reboot. It’s best to bring him in until his risk to the public can be assessed. Besides, he’s not even a citizen.

Betty White

This menace to society has to be stopped. On the surface she seems like a sweet, elderly comedienne who loves people and animals alike. What are you hiding, Betty? Nobody is as awesome as you. It’s not scientifically possible. We don’t know what nefarious plot you’re planning to hatch on an unsuspecting America, but we know that we don’t like it. Whatever it is.

Julie Taymor

Did you know that in the last few years, Julie Taymor was personally responsible for 865% of all actor injuries on the planet? You didn’t? Just trust, in that case. Much like the super-villains she brought to life for Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, Ms. Taymor draws her power from a sinister source — broken collarbones and the music of U2. We can’t have a threat like this marching up Broadway.

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