Over the past decade, there have been an endless string of horror movie remakes parading through theaters. Though some have surprised us and actually improved upon the original versions, others have been lifeless hacks.
This weekend sees a “prequel” to one of the best horror films ever made coming to theaters. The Thing (an excellent remake itself) is a classic, and though the new film isn’t technically a remake, early reviews are pointing to the fact that it pretty much is. Does it belong on a list of worst horror remakes? We’ll hold judgment until we see it for ourselves. But in the meantime, we can steer you away from these insultingly-bad horror remakes that failed to live up to their predecessors.
While this was in production, we were promised a gritty re-imaging of Elm Street. The promotional materials promised us everything every fan always wanted — more focus on Freddy’s back story. However, what we got didn’t deliver on any of those promises. Instead, it was mostly a lame retread of scenes we saw in the original re-imagined to include vlogs and other already-dated modern trends. This film showed the most promise when it focused on the scenes that questioned whether or not Krueger was innocent before his execution. But in the end, all of that was squandered to make way for more dumb jokes and toothless scares.
The back story gets re-imagined here to disastrous effect. Ryan Reynolds stars as a dad who goes all Shining on his family after moving into a house that was once used to torture Indians. More time should have been spent on making he house actually scary rather than showing off the cast’s stomach muscles. Though those were nice too.
This remake of John Carpenter‘s awesome pirate ghost story was more concerned with having a pumped up, poppy soundtrack than it was with turning in any genuine scares. In Carpenter’s original, you could hear undead pirates ripping the skin off an elderly babysitter as if it were fabric. Here you only hear Fall Out Boy.