9 Obnoxious Child Characters That Make Me Want To Get My Tubes Tied

Friday, September 30 by

6. Vern – Stand By Me

I really hate this kid. Sincerely, guys.

Vern is the ultimate buzzkill, talking about how they’re fated to fail because they tossed a “goocher,” which is four tails on four coin flips. Where does he come up with this shit?

Things were doomed from the beginning when we find out that Vern finds out about the dead body whiel he was digging in the crawl space for pennies. I guess he never found them, because his only contribution to the group’s kitty is a measly seven cents. And a comb.

5. Tim – Jurassic Park

You know how obnoxious those people are that get dressed up sailing outfits when they get on a boat? This kid...

Lex’s dorky brother single-handedly drops this film down an entire letter grade. Let’s begin with the fact that the he is dressed in an outfit that looks like it should be sold under the name “Lil’ Archaeologist.”

Some other observations:

He cracks that joke about a blind dinosaur being called a “Doyouthinkhesaurus?”

He’s a little bitch.

Might be the smallest child ever to walk the earth. They should put this diminutive freak in a zoo. Or a circus.

4. Young Ace VenturaAce Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.

Jim Carrey was able to pull off small miracle in his portrayal of Ace Ventura. He took what could have been the most annoying character ever put on film and made him not only tolerable but pretty damn funny.

Well, lightening didn’t strike twice with the afterthought prequel Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. This character just isn’t as sharp or fun. Like a copy of a copy. Smeared in fecal matter and pig blood.

That was my pull quote for the poster. They decided to go in another direction.

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