Child characters have the ability to completely torpedo a good film. Despite the fact that every writer, producer, actor, and director has been a child, no one seems to know how to create one that isn’t grating on at least one level. Maybe it’s because that's just how children are. Being in my early thirties, I haven’t talked to or seen a child in almost a decade, so I’m not really a good source of information here.
I am a good source of information on annoying child characters in film,s though. I’m not saying I would inflict physical harm on these kids, but if you could imagine me saying those words out loud, you would see that I was also enthusiastically nodding and smiling when I spoke the words “physical harm.”

Note: Anakin Skywalker has been done to death, so you won't find that little bastard on this list. And technically, he really is a bastard, so the sponsor shouldn't get mad about that.

9. Ray – Jerry Maguire

[caption id="attachment_230072" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="His agent is on the other line, telling him that he's got about six more months to milk this thing."]


I understand that your dad’s not in the picture, Ray, but that doesn’t mean that we will always find endearing your off-brand moppish charm. I mean, Ray is the kid most likely to help you get laid if you’re just walking around, but that’s not enough.

I now know that the human head weighs eight pounds. All of them weigh eight pounds. Fat heads, skinny ones, even Giada de Laurentis’ head.

8. The Kid That Sees Dead People – The Sixth Sense

[caption id="attachment_230073" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="If Eeyore was a young boy, he would be this kid."]


Cheer up, dude. Yeah, you see dead people. Your mom is a bit of a head case. And you’re poor. That sucks too.

Have some fun. Forget about the dead people for a minute and read The Hunger Games while you listen to the Black Eyed Peas. Go spraypaint an underpass. Steal Bruce Willis’ character’s wig, then staple it to a dog.

You know what takes your mind off of constantly being hounded by death? Ice cream. Go eat some f*cking ice cream, kid.

7. Lex – Jurassic Park

[caption id="attachment_230074" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="They had to write those cuts and scrapes into the script after Jeff Goldblum lost his temper with her."]


There’s no reason why she should be there. If you are in the beta phase of testing your dinosaur zoo, maybe don’t bring dumb kids around. The most annoying thing about this insufferable little girl is the fact that she wants to be referred to as a “hacker.” You’re not a hacker. You’re an amalgam of characteristics that test well in focus groups, Lex.

What’s amazing is that Lex is only the second most-annoying kid in Jurassic Park.

6. Vern – Stand By Me

[caption id="attachment_230075" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="I really hate this kid. Sincerely, guys."]


Vern is the ultimate buzzkill, talking about how they’re fated to fail because they tossed a “goocher,” which is four tails on four coin flips. Where does he come up with this shit?

Things were doomed from the beginning when we find out that Vern finds out about the dead body whiel he was digging in the crawl space for pennies. I guess he never found them, because his only contribution to the group’s kitty is a measly seven cents. And a comb.

5. Tim – Jurassic Park

[caption id="attachment_230083" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="You know how obnoxious those people are that get dressed up sailing outfits when they get on a boat? This kid..."]


Lex’s dorky brother single-handedly drops this film down an entire letter grade. Let’s begin with the fact that the he is dressed in an outfit that looks like it should be sold under the name “Lil’ Archaeologist.”

Some other observations:

He cracks that joke about a blind dinosaur being called a “Doyouthinkhesaurus?”

He’s a little bitch.

Might be the smallest child ever to walk the earth. They should put this diminutive freak in a zoo. Or a circus.

4. Young Ace VenturaAce Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.

Jim Carrey was able to pull off small miracle in his portrayal of Ace Ventura. He took what could have been the most annoying character ever put on film and made him not only tolerable but pretty damn funny.

Well, lightening didn’t strike twice with the afterthought prequel Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. This character just isn’t as sharp or fun. Like a copy of a copy. Smeared in fecal matter and pig blood.

That was my pull quote for the poster. They decided to go in another direction.

3. Trixie Young – Problem Child 2

Congrats, Trixie. You were more obnoxious than Problem Child. She totally wanted to sabotage John Ritter’s wedding and did so in the most grating way possible. We’d grown to love Junior after the hijinks of the original, so it’s understandable when this little monster messes with our little monster.

It was hard enough to get us to like one of these little hellians, tossing a second one in the mix in a lackluster sequel is a bit of a nonstarter.

2. Young Ronald Weasley – Harry Potter

He got much more tolerable as his character got fleshed out, but in the beginning, this guy was suck personified. I’m not one to buy into that whole “ginger” thing, but it’s lucky that Harry and Hermione are such nice people, because I don’t think as a 12 year old (or whatever age he was supposed to be) he would be fighting off friends with a stick.

“Hello, I’m a red-haired, awkward wizard!”

That’s code for “I plan on being lonely.”

1. Conrad – The Cat in the Hat

It’s hard to pick Spencer Breslin’s most obnoxious role, as the kid pretty much trafficked in being the most strangle-able character on screen for a while. In Disney’s The Kid, he plays a younger version of Bruce Willis who constantly enunciates as though his pudgy little mouth is packed with mashed potatoes.

However, he has the dubious distinction of being the most obnoxious person in The Cat and the Hat, and he’s opposite Mike Myers and Kelly Preston. Yikes.

There’s a reason these kids only have like seven lines in the books. They’re not likable. At least Dakota Fanning was adorable. Breslin had the look of a kid that would beat you up and take your lunch money, then possibly throw up a hot dog into your backpack.