9 Obnoxious Child Characters That Make Me Want To Get My Tubes Tied

Friday, September 30 by
" Hi! My name is Lex, and I bother more people in this film than the T-Rex does." 

Child characters have the ability to completely torpedo a good film. Despite the fact that every writer, producer, actor, and director has been a child, no one seems to know how to create one that isn’t grating on at least one level. Maybe it’s because that’s just how children are. Being in my early thirties, I haven’t talked to or seen a child in almost a decade, so I’m not really a good source of information here.

I am a good source of information on annoying child characters in film,s though. I’m not saying I would inflict physical harm on these kids, but if you could imagine me saying those words out loud, you would see that I was also enthusiastically nodding and smiling when I spoke the words “physical harm.”

Note: Anakin Skywalker has been done to death, so you won’t find that little bastard on this list. And technically, he really is a bastard, so the sponsor shouldn’t get mad about that.

9. Ray – Jerry Maguire

His agent is on the other line, telling him that he's got about six more months to milk this thing.

I understand that your dad’s not in the picture, Ray, but that doesn’t mean that we will always find endearing your off-brand moppish charm. I mean, Ray is the kid most likely to help you get laid if you’re just walking around, but that’s not enough.

I now know that the human head weighs eight pounds. All of them weigh eight pounds. Fat heads, skinny ones, even Giada de Laurentis’ head.

8. The Kid That Sees Dead People – The Sixth Sense

If Eeyore was a young boy, he would be this kid.

Cheer up, dude. Yeah, you see dead people. Your mom is a bit of a head case. And you’re poor. That sucks too.

Have some fun. Forget about the dead people for a minute and read The Hunger Games while you listen to the Black Eyed Peas. Go spraypaint an underpass. Steal Bruce Willis’ character’s wig, then staple it to a dog.

You know what takes your mind off of constantly being hounded by death? Ice cream. Go eat some f*cking ice cream, kid.

7. Lex – Jurassic Park

They had to write those cuts and scrapes into the script after Jeff Goldblum lost his temper with her.

There’s no reason why she should be there. If you are in the beta phase of testing your dinosaur zoo, maybe don’t bring dumb kids around. The most annoying thing about this insufferable little girl is the fact that she wants to be referred to as a “hacker.” You’re not a hacker. You’re an amalgam of characteristics that test well in focus groups, Lex.

What’s amazing is that Lex is only the second most-annoying kid in Jurassic Park.

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