Christmas is right around the corner (it’s not, but I need an opening here, folks), so what better place to turn for gift-giving and gift-receiving inspiration than to the movies, where imagination knows no bounds? Let’s use the following nine cool toys as the benchmark against which you can measure all the crappy presents you get from people for years to come.

9. Paulie’s Robot

This robot/servant from Rocky IV puts most other robots to shame. Paulie was able to change the voice of the robot from a man’s to a woman’s, leaving little doubt that this robot could be programmed to be a pleasure model. However, Paulie uses the robot not so much for sex or friendship, but to do things like get him beer and chips. Because if there’s one thing that Italian stereotypes in tank tops like to do, it’s sit in front of the TV in their favorite chair and drink beer and eat chips while their wife makes-a a spaghetti sauce that’s-a jussa riiiiight!.

8. Giant Piano

The giant Piano from Big wasn’t necessarily something that I would want to own, as it combines my two least favorite things in this world: artistic expression and exercise. But it was pretty neat to watch Robert Loggia dance and create music. I don’t think the store-bought version comes with Robert Loggia, but everyone has their price. I would just pounce on it all day and play that creepy sequence of notes from Eyes Wide Shut...with Robert Loggia.

7. Chucky (trained)

This Child’s Play toy/character is a bit of mixed bag, as it would be great to have a diminutive friend waddling around in his impish overalls, but it would also be great to not be stabbed with scissors in the neck. Give and take, people. If you DID procure a Chucky, and he DIDN’T stab you in the neck, you would be the cock of the walk at school. On high school. Or your office. Or at your Army camp in Fallujah. Seriously, there’s no one that’s not scared of this guy.

6. Cosmic Key

Featured in the He-Man feature film Masters of the Universe, the cosmic key is a device capable of opening portals to any point in space and time. While that may not sound like much of a “toy” so much as it does a “shattering scientific breakthrough,” it was mistaken for a lame 80’s synthesizer in the film, and those are pretty much toys. It plays very soothing music and lights up. I would put one over my baby’s crib and just pray that the dumb kid didn’t send us to Poland in 1940.

5. Pee-Wee’s Bike

Sure, it wasn’t for everyone, but that was a pretty sick bike that Paul Reuben’s cruised around on in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. The original bike was a Schwinn Panther, which was (reportedly) customized to create 12 Pee-Wee bikes, none of which are known to survive publicly today. One went on eBay for $17,877, and another for $12,000, but no one knows where they are. Probably with that bastard Francis or in the basement of the Alamo.

4. Hoverboard

Duh. This Back to the Future 2 “invention” bred a whole generation of little liars, running around their elementary schools saying that their cousin in California just got one and that they were going to ride it when they went to visit him next summer. Of course, there was no hoverboard, but that’s just a testament to how badly kids wanted to believe that there could be.

Modern market tie-in: The H.O.V.A.-board, endorsed by Jay-Z.

3. Red Ryder BB Gun

Sure, the notion of a BB gun is a little quaint these days in the era of Furbies and streaming pornography (I don’t really know what kids like these days), but it’s impossible not to let Ralphie’s infectious enthusiasm and wide-eyed wonder in A Christmas Story not get to you. If Red Ryder BB guns were a real product, they would sell like iPods. Also, eyepatch sales would be booming. I smell a Pirates of the Caribbean tie-in!

2. Richard Pryor

What better toy than The Toy, a character in a film of the same name, played by Richard Pryor? In the film, a spoiled boy is gifted Richard Pryor as his friend and jester. We should all be so lucky. I never had a Richard Pryor growing up, and it killed me. I would look at my window and see all the neighborhood children playing with their Richard Pryors, and just sob. I once came to school with a LeVar Burton, but kids can be so mean. So mean.

1. Power Glove

As seen in the 85-minute Nintendo commercial The Wizard, the Power Glove was a complicated, ineffective way to play Nintendo. And I was going to DIE unless I got one. What made this toy so much more desirable than many of the other entries on this list is that it was real. It was a total bust, as it really only worked with that silly game, Super Glove Ball.

But it was in a Fred Savage movie, and it was Nintendo, so I had to have it. I never got it, and am glad I didn’t now, but man my parents were mean for not getting that for me.