Christmas is right around the corner (it’s not, but I need an opening here, folks), so what better place to turn for gift-giving and gift-receiving inspiration than to the movies, where imagination knows no bounds? Let’s use the following nine cool toys as the benchmark against which you can measure all the crappy presents you get from people for years to come.
This robot/servant from Rocky IV puts most other robots to shame. Paulie was able to change the voice of the robot from a man’s to a woman’s, leaving little doubt that this robot could be programmed to be a pleasure model. However, Paulie uses the robot not so much for sex or friendship, but to do things like get him beer and chips. Because if there’s one thing that Italian stereotypes in tank tops like to do, it’s sit in front of the TV in their favorite chair and drink beer and eat chips while their wife makes-a a spaghetti sauce that’s-a jussa riiiiight!.
The giant Piano from Big wasn’t necessarily something that I would want to own, as it combines my two least favorite things in this world: artistic expression and exercise. But it was pretty neat to watch Robert Loggia dance and create music. I don’t think the store-bought version comes with Robert Loggia, but everyone has their price. I would just pounce on it all day and play that creepy sequence of notes from Eyes Wide Shut…with Robert Loggia.
This Child’s Play toy/character is a bit of mixed bag, as it would be great to have a diminutive friend waddling around in his impish overalls, but it would also be great to not be stabbed with scissors in the neck. Give and take, people. If you DID procure a Chucky, and he DIDN’T stab you in the neck, you would be the cock of the walk at school. On high school. Or your office. Or at your Army camp in Fallujah. Seriously, there’s no one that’s not scared of this guy.