9 Lamest Virtual Reality Films

Tuesday, March 29 by

Source Code, which opens this weekend, tells the story of Captain Colter Stevens, and his quest to find a terrorist bomber on a train headed for Chicago. That plot might sound predictable, but there’s a catch. The bombing has alread taken place, and the terrorist is already dead. Using a secret government program, Stevens is able to relive the life of one of the bombing victims during the eight minutes before the bomb detonates. He is forced to do this over and over again, gaining new clues each time, until he is able to unravel the mystery and identify the bomber. Isn’t virtual reality wonderful?

Of course, that technology hasn’t been invented yet. But filmmakers, especially those from the 1990′s, seemed to think that we’d all be wearing virtual reality helmets on a daily basis by now. As it turns out, their predictions were as bad as their movies. In honor of the abundance of horrible movies involving virtual reality, I give you the nine lamest virtual reality films.

The Lawnmower Man

No, this isn’t a film about penis enlargement pills. It’s actually about a future world where virtual reality games threaten to destroy our perception of reality…or something like that. The film was made by David Cronenberg, who also made Videodrome which I left off this list because it’s supossedly a classic. eXistenZ? Not so much.

The 13th Floor

If you ever find yourself as part of a team developing a top-secret virtual reality world depicting 1937 Los Angeles, make sure that the company you’re working for doesn’t house the project on the 13th floor. That’s just asking for bad luck.

Virtuosity

Before Russell Crowe was famous for playin Robin Hood and throwing phones at people, he made this steaming pile of virtual shit. In it, he plays a computer composite of multiple serial killers who somehow ends up in the real world. Denzel Washington was also in the film, and after looking back at this trailer, it’s amazing to think that they both went on to win Oscars.

Spy Kids 3D

As an adult, I don’t have the patience to sit through Spy Kids 3-D, but little kids seem to enjoy it. Then again, little kids seem to enjoy putting random things in their mouths and shitting themselves, so I’m not sure that’s exactly a vote of confidence. At any rate, the film takes place in a virtual world, so it made the list.

Matrix 3

The first Matrix was awesome, and may be the greatest virtual reality related film ever made. But by the time they rolled out the third installment, most people were ready to unplug.

Disclosure

This isn’t a virtual reality film, per se. It deals more with sexual harassment in the workplace, and the double standard sometimes faced by men. I can totally relate to that, since I’m constantly being fondled at work. Of course I work at home and live alone, but that’s not the point. What is the point? I’m not exactly sure, but it had something to do with the pointless virtual related subplot depicted in the clip above, where Michael Douglas uses an VR prototype to hack into his company’s mainframe.

Webmaster

The quality of a film is inversely proportional to the amount of times its title is said aloud in the trailer. That doesn’t bode well for Webmaster. That fact aside, it’s by far the greatest Danish film about virtual reality…on this list.

Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace

We can’t include the original Lawnmower Man and not include its even crappier sequel. This time, Jobe is back, and he’s taking over the world…or something. Who cares? You’d think the computer graphics would have improved with time, and in a way, I guess they are better than the original. But they are so overused in the sequel that they actually look worse. Not even Matt Frewer could save this film, and he played Max Headroom!

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COMMENTS

  1. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    bob

    some of these titles are classics…. How could you.
    If you want a crappy movie full of terrible effects look no further that Sex In The City


  2. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    SnippyDoodle

    Videodrome is awesome.


  3. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Dr. Skull

    I think you were just being little lazy and listing pretty much all the VR movies you could find and then adding some semi-funny comments at the end. While I agree with a lot of your choices, you need to be virtually tarred and feathered, for adding “The 13th Floor” to this list. Good concept, good story and decent acting with a killer twist ending…ya really didnt excoriate it too badly, so I assume you were filling space, by adding this one in!


  4. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Dr. Skull

    I think you were just being little lazy and listing pretty much all the VR movies you could find and then adding some semi-funny comments at the end. While I agree with a lot of your choices, you need to be virtually tarred and feathered, for adding “The 13th Floor” to this list. Good concept, good story and decent acting with a killer twist ending…ya really didnt excoriate it too badly, so I assume you were filling space, by adding this one in!


  5. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Grom

    1 Lamest Critic

    You

    I’m not going to bother backing up my choice with any kind of an explanation, I’ll just summarize the plot and say something that isn’t quite as witty as I think it is.


  6. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Danny

    Thanks for expressing your disdain for Cronenberg early on in the article. That way it didn’t take me long to realize that you were full of shit early on so that I didn’t have to waste my time continuing to read.


  7. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Danny

    Thanks for expressing your disdain for Cronenberg early on in the article. That way it didn’t take me long to realize that you were full of shit early on so that I didn’t have to waste my time continuing to read.


  8. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Gary Coleman

    Wow, if you actually think eXistenZ is a lame film you’re obviously not capable of analyzing themes or realizing it’s one of the most intelligent and hilarious critiques of video games ever created. Really, the crack at Videodrome and 13th Floor as well? I can only hope that the ad revenue this crappy article generates is enough to let you sleep at night because it sure as hell shouldn’t be your reviewing skills.


  9. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Pgphoenix

    Obviously written by someone young who has no appreciation of the evolution of special effects and knows absolutely nothing about what actually virtual reality is or what it was like in the 90s when most of these films were made.


  10. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Keith

    I agree with the other comments. eXistenZ and 13th Floor are fantastic movies in general and within the VR genre.


  11. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Keith

    I agree with the other comments. eXistenZ and 13th Floor are fantastic movies in general and within the VR genre.


  12. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Critical

    I hope no one pays you for this because you are a terrible critic. eXistenZ was a brilliant movie that would have gotten much more aclaim if it hadn’t come out around the same time as the first Matrix. And there was nothing wrong with the 13th floor! That was a solidly good movie! As for Lawnmower Man… were you even alive when that came out? Because while we look at it as shitty now, that was groundbreaking for it’s time when it came to special effects. Did you just list every VR movie you could think of except for the matrix? And what the hell is with disclosure being there? It makes the list for one moment of bullshit technology?


  13. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Dfgsdg

    lame ass post…you obviously didn’t even watch half of these movies


  14. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Anonymous

    Bingo!


  15. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    John Rivers

    eXistenZ is a mental work of genius – “I do feel the urge to kill someone here.”


  16. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Bill Cosby

    Right on!


  17. March 29, 2011 2:06 pm

    Bill Cosby

    I was going to rant about eXistenZ and the 13th floor being great movies, but it seems like everyone has done that already.

    I think we can safely discard this article into the fabled “trashcan of worthless opinions”