9 Horrible Heist Movies That Stole Nothing But Your Time and Money

Friday, November 4 by
Ducktales: The Movie 

Tower Heist opens today, and the reviews aren’t as horrible as you’d think. In fact, it’s getting decent reviews for a comedy, and has a 67% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But is that really possible with Brett Ratner behind the lens? After he butchered his way through X-Men: The Last Stand, I’m half-expecting Alan Alda to yell, “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”

If anyone has seen it, please let us know what you thought. Is it actually good, or merely something designed to hold a mouthbreather’s attention for an hour and forty minutes? I’m sorry. I just can’t help my prejudices. I’m was totally expecting a terrible heist movie, like the nine listed below.

Fast Five

In a departure from the street racing theme of the previous installments, Fast Five turns Vin Diesel and Paul Walker into master thieves. They band together with every tough guy, hot chick, and rapper to have previously driven a fast car in order to steal $100 million from a corrupt businessman. Really? Exactly $100 million. Are they robbing Dr. Evil?

The Perfect Score

Six failing students team up to secure their futures by stealing the SAT exam. All in all, it’s a pretty lazy comedy that puts too many of its gags on the shoulders of an unlikable version of a Hollywood interpretation of a stoned teenager. However, it does feature a pre-Avengers Scarlett Johannson in a leather bodysuit kicking guards in the face. This movie can see the future.

Stealing Harvard

Jason Lee and Tom Green star as hapless crooks attempting to steal enough money for a young girl’s college tuition. Subplots involve cross-dressing and a dog falling in love with Green before having its way with him. That guy and his stunts.

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