Well, judgment day is finally upon us. According to Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping, the end of the world, sponsored by his Family Radio network, will take place this Saturday, May 21st. He came to that conclusion after using the awesome power of math, in conjunction with biblical scripture. Although he incorrectly predicted the same thing back in 1994, I, for one, am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, using an ancient, often mistranslated book to figure out the date on which the world will end is hard work, and nobody’s going to get it right the first time. If nothing else, he deserves our respect based on his sticktoitiveness alone!
So, what can we expect from the end of days? Well, I’m no expert (then again, neither is Harold Camping), but I have seen a lot of movies. And based on the films I’ve seen, along with some bible versus I googled, I’ve put together this handy guide describing in detail what we’re in for. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this preview of the devastation that awaits us all this Saturday.
When the big man comes down to Earth to call it quits, I’m relatively certain we’ll be in for a funnel cloud or two. But don’t take my word for it. Just listen to our old friend Zechariah! Although it is odd that he makes no mention of Helen Hunt.
Zechariah 7:14 – But I scattered them with a whirlwind among all the nations whom they knew not. Thus the land was desolate after them, that no man passed through nor returned: for they laid the pleasant land desolate.
Will judgment day have earthquakes? You bet your pagan ass! And according to Harold Camping, it’s going to make the recent quake in Japan look like a Sunday-school picnic. Well, I’m sure it will be horrifying, but I hope it looks cooler than the special effects from the movie, Earthquake. I’d hate to die being crushed to death by a chintzy model car.
Revelation 16:18 - And there were flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder, and a great earthquake such as there had never been since man was on the earth, so great was that earthquake.
Is shit going to fall out of the sky on Saturday? According to the bible, big time. And last time I checked, Bruce Willis doesn’t give a damn! The man lets Ashton Kutcher bang his ex-wife. He’s clearly given up.
Revelation 6:12-14 – …the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the stars of the sky fell to the earth as the fig tree sheds its winter fruit when shaken by a gale.
Hope you saved a can of baked beans or two, because there’s not going to be a lot of food left over after the friggen rapture. But just like The Road, whatever pathetic provisions you have made will prove futile.
Psalms 105:16 – Moreover he called for a famine upon the land: he brake the whole staff of bread.
What good would judgment day be without a flood of biblical proportions. Just like Deep Impact, expect whole cities to be flooded off the map. Also like Deep Impact, most of the world will be too busy watching Armageddon to notice.
Genesis 7:19-23 – Finally, the water covered even the highest mountains on the earth, standing more than twenty-two feet above the highest peaks. All the living things on earth died – birds, domestic animals, wild animals, all kinds of small animals, and all the people. Everything died that breathed and lived on dry land. Every living thing on the earth was wiped out – people, animals both large and small, and birds. They were all destroyed, and only Noah was left alive, along with those who were with him in the boat.
If the floods and the quakes don’t get you, perhaps the lava will. God’s had all of existence to plan this thing, so he’s probably left nothing to chance, Tommy Lee Jones be damned.
Nahum 1:5 – The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt, and the earth is burned at his presence, yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.
So, the natural disasters weren’t enough? Now comes the pestilence. The old testament is full of that stuff, and if you manage to stick around long enough, your lungs will be full of it, too. I’m not sure if it will be natural or man made, but I am sure you’re going to be coughing up a lot of blood.
Jeremiah 34:17 – Therefore thus saith the LORD; Ye have not hearkened unto me, in proclaiming liberty, every one to his brother, and every man to his neighbor: behold, I proclaim a liberty for you, saith the LORD, to the sword, to the pestilence, and to the famine; and I will make you to be removed into all the kingdoms of the earth.
If you somehow manage to survive everything else on this list, congratulations! Now you have to deal with the zombies. Godspeed!
Isaiah 49:26 I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh; they will be drunk on their own blood, as with wine. Then all mankind will know that I, the LORD, am your Savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.
What list about judgment day would be complete without mentioning Terminator 2: Judgment Day? Well, maybe a non-movie list, but I digress. While I doubt the good lord will need to employ robots this Saturday, I’m fairly confident a lake of fire will be involved.
Revelation 20:12-15 – And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Then another book was opened, which is the book of life. And the dead were judged by what was written in the books, according to what they had done. And the sea gave up the dead who were in it, Death and Hades gave up the dead who were in them, and they were judged, each one of them, according to what they had done. Then Death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death, the lake of fire. And if anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.