In case you haven't heard, the news is out: Khloe Kardashian is definitely O.J. Simpson’s daughter, at least according to The National Enquirer.

Hey, it could be worse. They could have confirmed that Khloe is actually a Kardashian. That would have sucked. Or she could have had one of these nine celebrity fathers. At least with O.J., you won't have to see him for a while. But here's some free advice - if he asks you to go get some of his stuff back from some guys who stole it, don't do it. It's a bad idea.

Michael Lohan

I’m as surprised as you are that a sometimes-Jesus freak with anger and substance abuse issues doesn’t make for a great dad, but his daughter, Lindsay, has had some legal troubles in the past decade or so. Fortunately, all her problems got better when she posed topless for Playboy, but it was scary there for a minute.

Lohan has been to jail twice, once for insider trading, and once for driving drunk, but he had his own reality show, which more than makes up for the jail thing.

This Wikipedia excerpt pretty much sums up Michael Lohan as a person:

On October 25, 2011, Michael Lohan was arrested in a suspected domestic violence incident in Tampa, Florida, involving his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Kate Major. Lohan was released from custody on $5,000 bail and ordered to have no further contact with Major. Twelve hours later on October 27, 2011 he was again back in police custody, after contacting Major again by phone. Unbeknownst to Lohan, when he called Major a second time that evening, police were listening in on speaker phone. Police then went to Lohan's hotel to arrest him. When Lohan saw the police arrive, he attempted to escape by jumping out of his third-story room window. Upon jumping, Lohan fell into a tree and injured his foot.

Joe Jackson

He’s the man who made Michael Jackson the person he is, which almost certainly guarantees him the title of “Worst Father Ever.”

Jackson abused his kids, made them call him “Joseph” while he worked as their manager (I’m sure that wasn’t weird for anyone involved.), and he cheated on his wife enough to have two daughters via extramarital affairs.

In 1993, Michael Jackson spoke to Oprah and said that even as an adult he would feel sick or vomit every time he saw his father.

Joe would also, for no reason, trip his male children, or push them into walls to show his dominance. JESUS CHRIST! That’s completely depraved, even by celebrity dad standards.

Kit Culkin

Macauley Culkin’s dad hasn’t been in the news for a long, long time, but I’m sure he’s still a pretty big jerk.

Kit served as Macauley’s manager since the Home Alone/Uncle Buck days, and when he and his wife got divorced, they fought more over who got to manage their son than they did over the kid himself. It’s thought that Macauley earned $50 million during his heyday, much of which was pilfered by Kit.

Must suck when your nine year-old is the breadwinner, but don’t be a dick about it, Kit.

I bet Macauley is wishing he’d just been left…Home Alone??????


Ryan O’Neal

In 2007, O’Neal was arrested for assaulting his son Griffin in Malibu, but the charges were dropped. Then when the authorities did a probation check on his other son Redmond, they found Ryan’s meth, and ordered him to awareness classes.

Oh, and at his longtime partner Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, he didn’t recognize his own daughter Tatum and hit on her. Good dude?

GREAT dude.

John Phillips

John Phillips was in the Mamas and the Papas. He had somesubstance abuse issues, and evidently some broader psychological issues as well, as he had sex with his 19 year-old daughter Mackenzie. But to be fair, he had been getting her high since he injected her with cocaine when she was 11, so it was the logical next step in their relationship. He slept with her frequently enough that it became a consensual relationship that lasted ten years.

The good news is that he died in 2001.

Joe Simpson

I’m not sure that Joe Simpson is inherently a bad dude, but he’s such an ass that it’s hard to distinguish. Simpson has managed to shoehorn himself into virtually every aspect of his daughters’ (Jessica and Ashleeeeeeeee) careers, despite being a complete moron.

While being a shitty manager isn’t a crime, being a jackass dad that blurs the line should be, as quotes like this evidence:

“Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!

Thanks, Dad.

David Hasselhoff

His daughter took this video. His daughter.

Woody Allen

Woody Allen will adopt you, then f*ck you. He has a track record of doing that. Allen would also be worse than O.J. Simpson because O.J. would probably just stab you, whereas Woody would annoy you to death, then marry you, then make like 47 movies in a row with Scarlett Johansson. What’s that about?

Alec Baldwin

YouTube sure makes this whole “writing” thing easy.

In case you’re wondering what the worst thing a parent can do to a kid is, it’s leave that message. Then shove them in a wall like Joe Jackson to prove their dominance.

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