One of the 621 Frankenstein movies that are currently in development found itself a director in Shawn Levy (Night at the Museum, Real Steel), which is great. Every film needs a director. However, this announcement begs the question, “Who will play Frankenstein’s monster (let’s just call him Frankenstein and not be all up-our-own-ass about the semantics) in the new project?"

Well, pretty much anyone can portray Frankenstein. I could get a Golden Globe nod for my performance if the director just gave me three Xanax, a 1" lift in my right shoe, and a burn on the roof of my mouth with a Bagel Bite just out of the oven. So with the playing field being equal, it comes down to looks.

"What has two thumbs and sort of looks like Frankenstein? These guys!"

Truthfully, though, I wouldn't be surprised if Trejo was missing a thumb.

9. Matt Dillon

He may be in a tie with #8 for the best-looking guy on this list, but still Frankenstein-esque. He also speaks with a deep enough voice that when I’m watching Wild Things while writing (which is most days), I sometimes get startled and need to look up to reassure myself that Denise Richards and Neve Campbell aren’t having a threeway with Frankenstein, because that would just drive me up the wall with sexiness.

8. David Boreanz

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Bones could be Frankenstein. I’m aware that Bones is actually the girl on the show of the same name, but it’s just easier for me if I call everyone on that show Bones, as it prevents me from having to learn anything about the show Bones.

7. Danny Trejo

Danny Trejo looks like he has been stitched together a la Frankenstein, complete with baseball glove-type skin. I don’t think Frankenstein had a tattoo on his chest, but the news of Levy’s attachment doesn’t say when the film is set. 2011 Frankenstein in Williamsburg, Brooklyn could totally have a chest tattoo.

“Frankenstein need pick up American Spirits before Frankenstein go ironic barbecue.”

6. John Kerry

Not an actor, but way too close to ignore. Seriously, you hit this guy in the knee with a crowbar and put him in a jacket that’s too small, and you’ve got your Frankenstein. (Editor’s Note: Please don’t assault Senator Kerry with a crowbar or anything else.)

5. Ron Perlman

He just looks a lot like Frankenstein. I don’t know what else I can put here in my reasoning. Square jaw, big forehead, caveman brow. He’s got what I like to call “the whole (Frankenstein) package.” Hellboy was practically a warm-up role for this.

4. John Travolta

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Mostly because he has the big forehead and glassy eyes. I would love to see him act as Frankenstein. “Awjeez! I’m more monster than man! Ohmahgahd!” Also because John Travolta pretty much dresses like Frankenstein anyway, so that aspect will be an easy sell to audiences.

3. Ed Helms

Granted, he looks more like Frankenstein Jr., but the proportions are all there. It’s just the size that he’s lacking, but that’s easy enough to fix. Just put him up against Tom Cruise for a sense of scale. No wait. Big Boi from Outkast comes in at 5’ 6”. And who wouldn’t pay $13 bucks to see a film with Frankenstein (as played by Ed Helms) and Big Boi? That shit would be amazing.

2. Billy Bob Thornton

Frankenstein: The Later Years. An emaciated monster drives all ove the American southwest in a 1970’s Cadillac, drinking whiskey and wondering where the time went. Thornton’s Sling Blade voice is close, but not quite there. He’ll find it. Although, Thornton will probably demand that he play harmonica as Frankenstein, and I don’t think that Frankenstein played harmonica.

1. Quentin Tarantino

If they could get QT to cut his talking by about 97%, this could work. He’s got the enormous head and lantern jaw. If Frankenstein started running with people in the club scene and did a little too much Bolivian marching powder, Tarantino would have the mannerisms down. Sam Jackson would probably have to play Dr. Frankenstein, but we want that to happen regardless of who gets cast as the monster.