Unsurprisingly, Twilight fans have begun lining up outside the Nokia Theater in downtown Los Angeles in order to catch a glimps of their favorite stars on the red carpet for Monday’s Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 premiere. Well, there’s a lot of time to kill between now and Monday’s event, so if you’re thinking about joining them, or already in line, we have assembled a helpful guide of eight things to do to help pass the time.
I keep harping on this, but I will not rest until everyone admits that Taylor Lautner looks like a damn chipmunk. It’s not a compliment, and it’s not a criticism. It’s a statement of fact. He’s got chipmunk teeth and puffy little cheeks, and if chipmunks had personal trainers, I’m pretty sure that their abs would closely resemble his.
This is quickly turning into the India-Pakistan of the kiddie-lit set. If I had seen any of the Twilight books or movies, I might be able to insert some witticism about why one is superior to the other, but alas. Frankly, brokering a truce between these two factions isn’t likely, due to their Al-Qaeda-like devotion to their cause, so the best thing to do is arm them, and hope for a swift resolution with minimal collateral damage.
“TEAM JACOB IS NO MORE! JOIN TEAM EDWARD OR THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH YOUR BLOOD! HALALALALALALALALALALALA!”
I understand that they’re big fans, but my guess is that many of these dumb people didn’t think things through. Sure, the restaurant owners will probably let the Twihards use their restrooms during business hours, but these people are living outdoors for almost a week. Not everything can be done during business hours. These people will need to defecate, and when they do, inform them that you WILL NOT save their place in line. Rather, they can pay $200 for a sparkling-new shit bucket, or they can leave the line and take their chances.
I also just really like the idea of a bunch of teenagers in Twilight shirts carrying buckets of their own waste, unsure of where to put them come Monday.