Space DNA goes bad with eight of the lamest movie aliens of all time. It’s not all rubber suits and molasses but it is still going to hurt. Take a few good-natured pokes at the genre while maintaining your S.E.T.I. street cred.
Blue light special alien, “Skyline”.
Zorplax, the blue light shooting aliens from “Skyline” are weak like a newborn kitten. Powerful metallic aliens seduce their human prey with an invasive blue light for a few minutes rather than grab them. They also like putting brains inside their robot bodies without any explanation so they might just be alien jerks. If some of them weren’t enormous enough to crush cars and Donald Faison’s assistant, a good pair of sunglasses would be enough technology to stop them cold.
Little furry aliens with big teeth aren’t exactly scary. If one drops down your pants then sure you’re going to have some anxiety but otherwise a swift drop kick will keep you safe. Anyone who has ever had to wash a cat knows true fear from a furry creature and the Krites from “Critters” don’t even register. Don’t try to work out why the dad, under Krite attack, doesn’t hit it with the large flashlight or you’ll end up in a coma of logic.
The saliva dripping mouth full of fangs in the Moorwen is classic but the fact that it glows blue or red like a freaking mood ring drops it squarely in the lamest movie alien pile. In the village battle it does show off a modicum of intelligence but also shows that it’s inflammable. The cinema needs more fire resistant aliens not less.
Aliens with Wi-Fi, “Battle: Los Angeles”.
“GWATHARLLL” which is alien for “pillage”. For the aliens in “Battle: Los Angeles” they everything worked out but one of them left their router unsecured so some soldiers figured out how to jam them thus rendering their remote controlled drone invasion impotent. The bridge scene where the civilians are lowered down isn’t a terrible scene so check that out if you accidentally rented this film.
Hungry dolphin aliens, “Alien vs Ninja”.
It’s hard to look at a dolphin-faced alien and not want to make a wiseass joke about blowholes. In “Alien vs Ninja” the aliens uses humans as incubatory snacks for their young, which isn’t groundbreaking. The aliens look like what would happen if H.P. Lovecraft got into bondage, which is more funny than scary. You do have to see the removal of some of the alien babies at the end for the sheer laughter.
The Ripley, “Dreamcatcher”.
Looking like fanged worms and having the same weaknesses to the modern technology of stomping and fire that works on most pests, the Ripley is a lame alien brought to you by “Dreamcatcher”. The scariest part of these aliens is the gas they give the hunter the friends give shelter to in their cabin but if you truly want fear then keep watching until he dies on the toilet.
Alien Ghosts, “Ghosts of Mars”.
Ridiculous alien point of view shots aside, the Martian ghosts that run rampant throughout this sci fi movie are pretty lame. The ghosts of “Ghosts of Mars” take over their human victims, do some killing and find the time to accessorize their clothing with body parts. They also made a huge tactical error that all smart aliens know to avoid; they failed to kill Ice Cube. The fight to the transport near the end is something worth amusing yourself with.
Alien Clowns, “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”.
Clowns are naturally terrifying to any sane, non-bed wetters but “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” ruins that healthy fear. These alien clowns could’ve been as horrifying as the little girl in “The Exorcist” but instead their goofy prop weapons do the world a disservice by convincing humanity to not take the threat of clowns seriously. The puppet show scene on the gazebo alone will potentially cost millions of human lives in the upcoming war. Laugh all you want, just don’t let your guard down.