Christmas in mythic realms must be confusing…If you run into an elf, is he going to kill your or make a toy? Read on and discover the finest of elven kind who were immortal and deadly!
Hermey is the original badass elf who was the first to fall from grace and later strike out on his own as a dentist. What makes him deadly is that his example will inevitably spawn an entire race of elven outcast yuppies to become tiny lawyers, real estate moguls and lobbyists. It’s only a matter of time until some elven country club is frowning upon pointy hats in the clubhouse.
She summons water stallions with a sword. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, summons Gumby’s Pizza with an iPhone she can’t afford.
Nuada is a rare example of a decently-portrayed antagonist who did what he thought was best for his people, which occasionally means murdering your dad and being a creeper around your sister. He’s more or less a kung-fu version of Commodus from “Gladiator” if he owned the entire Cannibal Corpse catalog.
Okay okay, he’s more “dead” than “deadly”, but close enough. Dobby squeaks onto this list on technicality, in that he “was” immortal until he got in the way of a knife via Bellatrix LeStrange.
It bears mentioning that elves are often confused for other small mythical creatures like dwarves, sprites, gnomes and leprechauns. In many ways, “Leprechaun in the Hood” is merely “Elf” for the working class, if the working class were all stoners who slept on pizza boxes.
There’s a look that ladies get when they catch dudes talking about Lord of the Rings, one of disgust/disdain that makes them wonder how the hell dorks like these could command their attention. Then, somehow, Legolas is mentioned, and those women melt away into some kind of weird brain-gasm trance. He is the Fonzi of Middle Earth, a character that captures both the respect of men and the panties of women in a way that Twi-hards will never understand.
He kills Bernie Mac! With a van! Then he betrays his own gin-soaked partner at gunpoint during their big score! What a badass little elf! The vastly underrated “Bad Santa” is unforgettable gem, making Marcus immortal. On Netflix.
Speaking of the dark side of Christmas, you’ll never believe this one. It turns out the Santa Claus in the Netherlands looks a lot like the pope, and his helpers are Afro-European elves called Zwarte Pieten (Google translation: “Black Helpers”). Even better, these little guys have been recently depicted as getting arrested after trying to break into people’s houses to give them presents. Dear Sinterklaas: All I want this year is for John Singleton to make “Zwarte Pieten: Christmas in Compton”.