8 Movie And TV Children Who Are Bastards, Just Like Khloe Kardashian (Allegedly)

Thursday, January 12 by

Mutt Williams – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Since this movie made $200 trillion dollars, I feel it my obligation to discuss that Shia Labeouf’s lame-o greaser character, Mutt, turns out to be Indy’s illegitimate child from his old love Marion. The nice thing about the revelation of a paternity late in a child’s life is that you can pretty much cut them out the way you have your whole life. Let me be clear – this would be a really shitty thing to do, but if your kid is anything like either Mutt Williams or Shia LaBeouf, it’s a reasonable course of action, unless you want in on some of that sweet, sweet Transformers money.

The Inglorious BasterdsInglorious Basterds

If the rumors are true, then Khloe is in good company with this bunch of Nazi hunters. While I’m 99% sure that “basterds” (sic) refers to the ragtag nature of the group, rather than their individual paternity situations, you never know. Guys named Aldo often come from broken homes. Probably. I’ve never actually met or even heard of anyone named Aldo before.

Luke Skywalker – Star Wars

This is one of those instances when the character would have been better served NOT knowing who his dad was. I mean, it’s one thing to not have a dad to play catch with. It’s another thing to find out it was Darth Vader. I mean, he’s kind of nonchalant about revealing to Luke that he’s his dad. If I was Luke, I would have a million follow-up questions, like “Are you rich?” and “Can I have some of your money if you are rich?”

Luke takes an arguably higher ground and performs what could have been construed as euthanasia on this father. That’s a heavy load to bear, but I suppose if anyone was up to the task, it would be Luke.

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