So the word on the street is that Khloe Kardashian might not be Robert Kardashian’s daughter. I’m going to ignore the fact that it’s unbelievably sad that this is what is being discussed on “the street,” and get right to the matter at hand – sometimes children are born out of wedlock. Sometimes they turn out to be pretty awesome people, like Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. And sometime they end up like…well, a Kardashian.

Khloe should carry no shame in light of these recent allegations (well, no more shame than she should be carrying for just being Khloe Kardashian). So lift that head up and know that if this thing turns out to be true, sure, it will be a hardship, and your place in your family will probably be in tumult, but you’re practically guaranteed to get an offer for a Mamma Mia! adaptation on Lifetime.

So it’s really a blessing!

Jon Snow – Game of Thrones

Snow’s cross to bear as the bastard son of Ned Stark is not insignificant, as he sees his siblings grow up in relative luxury. But he’s still better off than his brother Bran in that he has functioning legs. The upside to all this illegitimacy business is that Jon Snow has nothing to lose (hey, I’m looking for a silver lining here…) and as such has sworn his life to protecting a wall with a fat kid. The show makes it out to be a hell of a lot more noble than that description.

Fat Bastard – Goldmember

Fat Bastard lives up to both aspects of his name, in that he is quite corpulent, and also a bit of a dick, trying to kill protagonist Austin Powers. I’ve written to Mike Meyers (via New Line) asking for a family tree that tracks Fat Bastard’s lineage, but I haven’t gotten a response.

On a related note, I think my mailman is a drunk.

Emma Gellar – Friends

For such a wholesome show, the producers sure were very cavalier about this whole “bastard child” issue. One would think that, because it’s a primetime show, the writers would have put a nice little bow on this by marrying the two parents, nullifying her illegitimacy more or less. Nope. The series ends with Ross and Rachel in love (again), which probably lasts until about fifteen minutes after the credits rolled, tossing poor little Emma back into bastardom.

“I’ll be there for you.”

Will you, Ross and Rachel? Will you really?

Ned Plimpton – Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Owen Wilson is an excellent choice to play a bastard child. He’s adorable, and a little rough around the edges, like so many bastards are. I think. I don’t really know too many illegitimate kids. But I suppose that’s my loss. It is revealed late in the film that Steve Zissou is sterile, ensuring that he’s not Ned’s father. Soon after this news, Ned dies from injuries sustained in a helicopter accident, unsure of who his father is.

Wes Anderson makes it seem a lot lighter than the description would lead one to believe, though.

Sophie – Mamma Mia!

It’s kind of an upbeat film for a story about a girl who’s gone her whole life without knowing her father because her mom slept with a bunch of dudes and can’t sort out one tryst from another. Highly unbelievable because Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Stellan Skarsgard don’t look anything like each other.

Who ends up being the real father? I’m not going to tell you because I want you to have to watch the film like I had to. The suspense is no doubt killing you.

Mutt Williams – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Since this movie made $200 trillion dollars, I feel it my obligation to discuss that Shia Labeouf’s lame-o greaser character, Mutt, turns out to be Indy’s illegitimate child from his old love Marion. The nice thing about the revelation of a paternity late in a child’s life is that you can pretty much cut them out the way you have your whole life. Let me be clear – this would be a really shitty thing to do, but if your kid is anything like either Mutt Williams or Shia LaBeouf, it’s a reasonable course of action, unless you want in on some of that sweet, sweet Transformers money.

The Inglorious BasterdsInglorious Basterds

If the rumors are true, then Khloe is in good company with this bunch of Nazi hunters. While I’m 99% sure that “basterds” (sic) refers to the ragtag nature of the group, rather than their individual paternity situations, you never know. Guys named Aldo often come from broken homes. Probably. I’ve never actually met or even heard of anyone named Aldo before.

Luke Skywalker – Star Wars

This is one of those instances when the character would have been better served NOT knowing who his dad was. I mean, it’s one thing to not have a dad to play catch with. It’s another thing to find out it was Darth Vader. I mean, he’s kind of nonchalant about revealing to Luke that he’s his dad. If I was Luke, I would have a million follow-up questions, like “Are you rich?” and “Can I have some of your money if you are rich?”

Luke takes an arguably higher ground and performs what could have been construed as euthanasia on this father. That’s a heavy load to bear, but I suppose if anyone was up to the task, it would be Luke.

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