8 Movie And TV Children Who Are Bastards, Just Like Khloe Kardashian (Allegedly)

Thursday, January 12 by
In the face of this allegation, I would just like to reiterate that I think the Kardashians all suck.  

So the word on the street is that Khloe Kardashian might not be Robert Kardashian’s daughter. I’m going to ignore the fact that it’s unbelievably sad that this is what is being discussed on “the street,” and get right to the matter at hand – sometimes children are born out of wedlock. Sometimes they turn out to be pretty awesome people, like Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. And sometime they end up like…well, a Kardashian.

Khloe should carry no shame in light of these recent allegations (well, no more shame than she should be carrying for just being Khloe Kardashian). So lift that head up and know that if this thing turns out to be true, sure, it will be a hardship, and your place in your family will probably be in tumult, but you’re practically guaranteed to get an offer for a Mamma Mia! adaptation on Lifetime.

So it’s really a blessing!

Jon Snow – Game of Thrones

Snow’s cross to bear as the bastard son of Ned Stark is not insignificant, as he sees his siblings grow up in relative luxury. But he’s still better off than his brother Bran in that he has functioning legs. The upside to all this illegitimacy business is that Jon Snow has nothing to lose (hey, I’m looking for a silver lining here…) and as such has sworn his life to protecting a wall with a fat kid. The show makes it out to be a hell of a lot more noble than that description.

Fat Bastard – Goldmember

Fat Bastard lives up to both aspects of his name, in that he is quite corpulent, and also a bit of a dick, trying to kill protagonist Austin Powers. I’ve written to Mike Meyers (via New Line) asking for a family tree that tracks Fat Bastard’s lineage, but I haven’t gotten a response.

On a related note, I think my mailman is a drunk.

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