8 Film Franchises We’d Like Brett Ratner To Ruin

Thursday, November 3 by

Ocean’s 11

Oh wait. Ratner already did this with Tower Heist. It looks pretty awful. And how did he score Casey Affleck? Did Steven Soderbergh really not put in a non-compete clause that said if you star in an Ocean’s film you aren’t allowed to star in a knock-off by Soderbergh’s non-union Mexican equivalent?

The Godfather

I would like to see Ratner step in and really just jazz this motherfather up. I mean, yeah, the first two were good, but they were WAY too slow for today’s audiences. I think Ratner would have a really fresh take on the fourth installment. Pare it down to 85 minutes or so, give it a dope soundtrack (Drake, Ying Yang Twins, Taylor Swift during lovemaking scenes) and have the whole film revolve around a racehorse that has been stolen by French nationals.

Denis Leary could play the Interpol detective assigned to the case, and Topher Grace or Gary Sinise would be the jockey. A CGI Bernie Mac would play Frank Pentangeli’s adopted grandson, RayRay.

I would pay $35 to see Godfather 4: Miami Nights.

Transformers

In the sense that this franchise isn’t capable of being ruined, we would like to see Ratner’s more thoughtful take on it. Perhaps he frames a story in which the Autobots and Decepticons sit down to peace negotiations at Camp David. In a departure from Michael Bay’s bang-bang shoot-‘em up style, Ratner offers up a scenario that closel mirrors the civil rights struggles in Alabama and Mississippi in the 1960’s.

Rather than bombard the audience with an explosive sequence amongst the skyscrapers of Chicago, Brett Ratner would punctuate the film with a climactic duel between Optimus Prime and a diplomatic representative of the Decepticons, played by Chris Tucker in a mo-cap suit.

At the very end, Optimus Prime would shed a solitary tear, demonstrating to the audience that, these robots, they’re not so different from us after all.

Do you like this story?