8 Film Franchises We’d Like Brett Ratner To Ruin

Thursday, November 3 by

The Human Centipede

Brett Ratner takes over the third installment, in which terrorists have taken over the British embassy in Washington D.C., and the only way that the CIA can infiltrate the building is to quickly assemble a crack team of operatives and attach them to each other in centipede form so that they may travel the ductwork and save the President of England. The team would consist of Owen Wilson (ordinance tactics and the front of the centipede), Gabrielle Union (explosives), Charlie Sheen (computers), and John Goodman (strategy, and the rear of the centipede).

The President of England would be played by Jackie Chan or Terence Stamp, depending on availability.

The Hangover

Doesn’t The Hangover seem like a Brett Ratner franchise already? Heavy-handed soundtrack, lots of shots of guys just riding in cars, uncompelling action sequences? The first one may have been a little too funny to be a Ratner film, but the second one was spot-on. The third entry would have a lot more characters wearing suits with open-collared dress shirts, and maybe a scene where Zach Galifianakis climbs up a Denny’s using parkour.

Of course, if Ratner got the third one, we could expect it to be almost exclusively about Mr. Chow, the shrill, pansexual gangster reminiscent of It’s Pat. Also, 90% of the film would be shot in or around Cadillac Escalades, with the wacky cameo being Serena Williams instead of convicted rapist Mike Tyson.

It would only be a slight step down from the first sequel.

Bourne

Forget about all the stuff that makes the Bourne franchise distinct. The European sensibility, the shakey-cam, and the muted, blue-ish colors are all gone when Ratner takes over. He’s not sure this Jeremy Renner character is right for the role, either. You know who would make a good Jason Bourne? That’s right. WWE star John Cena. I mean, Brett Ratner knows that Matt Damon was an intimidating Bourne presence, and he had zero WWE championship belts. By that logic, John Cena and his 10 WWE championships would be infinity times more dangerous.

(10/0 = infinity, you see) [Editor’s note: That is not correct at all.]

In fact, why even cover up the fact that you have John Cena in your film by calling it something else? The fourth Bourne film should be called The Cena Symposium and would take place almost exclusively on speedboats during the Grand Prix of Monaco.

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