8 Film Franchises We’d Like Brett Ratner To Ruin

Thursday, November 3 by
It would be our pleasure to see Mr. Ratner perform cinematic karate on the following film franchises.  

With this weekend’s release of Tower Heist, Brett Ratner’s making the rounds again, which is a great thing. At Screen Junkies, we can’t get enough of Brett’s understated elegance and quiet dignity. And we also love face sweat, so it’s a pretty natural fit for us.

Since we love his indistinct style and middle-of-the-road action fare, we have been just dying to know what films Ratner will get his hands on next. While any Ratner film is a gift, we hold out hope that for his next project he digs his manicured talons into one of these fine franchises.

The Fast and the Furious

Honestly, I thought it would be funny to have Ratner helm one of these films to see what he could do. Then I realized that a Fast and the Furious film directed by Ratner would be no different than one directed by someone else. You see, Fast and the Furious might be director-proof, much like a Police Academy film.

That said, I issue this challenge to Ratner:

Brett, throw your hat into the ring for 6 Fast Sex Furious and do your worst. Make Chris Tucker a police chief. Or the President. See if you can leave a bigger impression on this piece of Hot Wheels verite than a Nissan GT-R can.

Really take the franchise in a new direction. Maybe make it a Christopher Guest-style mockumentary or find a way to make Charlize Theron a congresswoman who is trying to ban streetracing. Whatever. I’m not going to tell you how to do your job. I have faith in you, Brett.

James Bond

You know all that suave elegance James Bond is known for? I think people are sick of that. They’d like to see the new Bond, Skyfall (one of the most dangerous types of falls, btw), open up with Daniel Craig clapping and singing along to “Baby I Got Your Money” by Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Instead of teaming up with MI6, James Bond could maybe just hang out by Miami pools.

Chris Tucker could be Q.

“LISTEN TO ME, JAMES BOND! THIS IS NOT A REGULAR PHONE. THIS BUTTON ON THE BACK, IF YOU PRESS IT, IT WILL F#CK YOU UP!”

The new Bond car would also be a 1967 Oldsmobile convertible, which would be well received in some circles.

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