With this weekend’s release of Tower Heist, Brett Ratner’s making the rounds again, which is a great thing. At Screen Junkies, we can't get enough of Brett’s understated elegance and quiet dignity. And we also love face sweat, so it’s a pretty natural fit for us.

Since we love his indistinct style and middle-of-the-road action fare, we have been just dying to know what films Ratner will get his hands on next. While any Ratner film is a gift, we hold out hope that for his next project he digs his manicured talons into one of these fine franchises.

The Fast and the Furious

Honestly, I thought it would be funny to have Ratner helm one of these films to see what he could do. Then I realized that a Fast and the Furious film directed by Ratner would be no different than one directed by someone else. You see, Fast and the Furious might be director-proof, much like a Police Academy film.

That said, I issue this challenge to Ratner:

Brett, throw your hat into the ring for 6 Fast Sex Furious and do your worst. Make Chris Tucker a police chief. Or the President. See if you can leave a bigger impression on this piece of Hot Wheels verite than a Nissan GT-R can.

Really take the franchise in a new direction. Maybe make it a Christopher Guest-style mockumentary or find a way to make Charlize Theron a congresswoman who is trying to ban streetracing. Whatever. I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. I have faith in you, Brett.

James Bond

You know all that suave elegance James Bond is known for? I think people are sick of that. They’d like to see the new Bond, Skyfall (one of the most dangerous types of falls, btw), open up with Daniel Craig clapping and singing along to “Baby I Got Your Money” by Ol' Dirty Bastard. Instead of teaming up with MI6, James Bond could maybe just hang out by Miami pools.

Chris Tucker could be Q.


The new Bond car would also be a 1967 Oldsmobile convertible, which would be well received in some circles.

The Human Centipede

Brett Ratner takes over the third installment, in which terrorists have taken over the British embassy in Washington D.C., and the only way that the CIA can infiltrate the building is to quickly assemble a crack team of operatives and attach them to each other in centipede form so that they may travel the ductwork and save the President of England. The team would consist of Owen Wilson (ordinance tactics and the front of the centipede), Gabrielle Union (explosives), Charlie Sheen (computers), and John Goodman (strategy, and the rear of the centipede).

The President of England would be played by Jackie Chan or Terence Stamp, depending on availability.

The Hangover

Doesn't The Hangover seem like a Brett Ratner franchise already? Heavy-handed soundtrack, lots of shots of guys just riding in cars, uncompelling action sequences? The first one may have been a little too funny to be a Ratner film, but the second one was spot-on. The third entry would have a lot more characters wearing suits with open-collared dress shirts, and maybe a scene where Zach Galifianakis climbs up a Denny’s using parkour.

Of course, if Ratner got the third one, we could expect it to be almost exclusively about Mr. Chow, the shrill, pansexual gangster reminiscent of It's Pat. Also, 90% of the film would be shot in or around Cadillac Escalades, with the wacky cameo being Serena Williams instead of convicted rapist Mike Tyson.

It would only be a slight step down from the first sequel.


Forget about all the stuff that makes the Bourne franchise distinct. The European sensibility, the shakey-cam, and the muted, blue-ish colors are all gone when Ratner takes over. He’s not sure this Jeremy Renner character is right for the role, either. You know who would make a good Jason Bourne? That’s right. WWE star John Cena. I mean, Brett Ratner knows that Matt Damon was an intimidating Bourne presence, and he had zero WWE championship belts. By that logic, John Cena and his 10 WWE championships would be infinity times more dangerous.

(10/0 = infinity, you see) [Editor’s note: That is not correct at all.]

In fact, why even cover up the fact that you have John Cena in your film by calling it something else? The fourth Bourne film should be called The Cena Symposium and would take place almost exclusively on speedboats during the Grand Prix of Monaco.

Ocean's 11

Oh wait. Ratner already did this with Tower Heist. It looks pretty awful. And how did he score Casey Affleck? Did Steven Soderbergh really not put in a non-compete clause that said if you star in an Ocean’s film you aren’t allowed to star in a knock-off by Soderbergh’s non-union Mexican equivalent?

The Godfather

I would like to see Ratner step in and really just jazz this motherfather up. I mean, yeah, the first two were good, but they were WAY too slow for today’s audiences. I think Ratner would have a really fresh take on the fourth installment. Pare it down to 85 minutes or so, give it a dope soundtrack (Drake, Ying Yang Twins, Taylor Swift during lovemaking scenes) and have the whole film revolve around a racehorse that has been stolen by French nationals.

Denis Leary could play the Interpol detective assigned to the case, and Topher Grace or Gary Sinise would be the jockey. A CGI Bernie Mac would play Frank Pentangeli’s adopted grandson, RayRay.

I would pay $35 to see Godfather 4: Miami Nights.


In the sense that this franchise isn't capable of being ruined, we would like to see Ratner’s more thoughtful take on it. Perhaps he frames a story in which the Autobots and Decepticons sit down to peace negotiations at Camp David. In a departure from Michael Bay’s bang-bang shoot-‘em up style, Ratner offers up a scenario that closel mirrors the civil rights struggles in Alabama and Mississippi in the 1960’s.

Rather than bombard the audience with an explosive sequence amongst the skyscrapers of Chicago, Brett Ratner would punctuate the film with a climactic duel between Optimus Prime and a diplomatic representative of the Decepticons, played by Chris Tucker in a mo-cap suit.

At the very end, Optimus Prime would shed a solitary tear, demonstrating to the audience that, these robots, they're not so different from us after all.

Now that you're all Brett Ratner-ed out, click on one of the pictures below for a new article.

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