Valentines Day is the most romantic day of the year – if you’re in a relationship. If not, you may be relegated to other, baser pursuits. Not that we’re judging. In fact, we’re here to help. While it’s quite easy to find solace for lovers amid the myriad romantic comedies that abound, it’s a little harder to find films geared towards the lonely, and perhaps horny. So, to celebrate the unsung victims of Valentines Day, we’ve put together a collection of our favorite dildo scenes from Hollywood films.

I’m sure I’m leaving out some truly glorious dildos, so please call to my attention any omissions in the comments, you perverts.

Fight Club




This dildo definitely is a supporting player, as it’s just sort of there in Marla’s apartment, unacknowledged save for Brad Pitt half-heartedly tweaking it while standing idly in the apartment.

VALENTINES DAY BONUS DILDO REFERENCE!: We’ve also got this scene, in which the most awesome baggage rep for an airline ever explains why Edward Norton’s bag has been quarantined by the airlines. (Hint: It’s because of a dildo!)



Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels




Dildos rarely embody love and romance, as this scene from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels demonstrates. Here, a pornographer-cum-gangster named Hatchet Harry doesn’t get a satisfactory answer to his question, so he bludgeons to death the respondent with a 15-inch black dildo, as we are all inclined to do when we don’t get the answers we feel we are entitled to.

It’s the least romantic entry on this list, and this list isn’t exactly rife with romance.



Naked Gun




The ultimate in intimacy and romance is shown here as Frank Drebin and his friend Ed find their pursuit of justice leading them to an erotic gift store. What really bugs me about this is that George Kennedy pulls the cord and fires this bad boy up, then gets all surprised when he sees what it does. What did he think would happen?

I can only suspend disbelief to such an extent, people.

Get Him to the Greek




Here, poor Jonah Hill learns how the world really works as he has 48 hours to fly to London, scoop up a rocker played by Russell Brand, then get him to (wait for it)…the Greek Theater. Along the way, he learns that sex isn’t always about love, but sometimes it’s about a groupie shoving a giant dildo in your ass for no good reason.

Think about THAT this Valentines Day! Or think about the eternal bond shared with your partner. Either one works pretty well.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo




As we learned with the first entry, dildos can be used for pain OR pleasure. Often, both. In this retaliation scene from David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Lisbeth Salander gets back at her rapist social worker in spectacular fashion. Though the crux of her actions is blackmail, she goes ahead and tattoos “I am a rapist pig” on his chest and kicks a dildo up his ass for good measure. And why shouldn’t she?

Valentines tip #1: This Valentines Day, treat yourself to something unnecessary.



Se7en




Yowser! This marital aid doesn’t seem as though it would provide much in the way of pleasure unless the party wearing it is a murdering sadist. In Se7en, the serial killer, John Doe, picks his victims based on their sins, and then implements methods that tie in closely with that sin.

John Doe found a man who visits prostitutes (“lust”), and at gunpoint forces him to, uh, “make love” to a prostitute (who is also an intended victim) using this little number. Don’t try to order one of these at your local lingerie store. They look at you funny.

Me, Myself, and Irene




Just a pleasant reminder not to drink too much this Valentines Day, especially if you’ve been repressed your whole life to the point that you could have an alternate personality who’s into that sort of thing. Better yet, if you’re going to drink tonight, just clear all the dildos out of your house and put them into a safety deposit box. Then get your accountant or lawyer to hold the only copy of the key. It’s the smart move.

Bruno




Once again, we see dildos as a weapon. It’s almost as though Hollywood refuses to acknowledge the fact that these devices can be used for wonderful, wonderful pleasure. It’s borderline criminal, in my opinion. Here we see Bruno, at the end of the trailer, ask a self defense expert how he would defend himself were he attacked by a fake plastic penis.

So, enjoy the scene for what it is, but also take notes, because sometimes, Valentines Day can make you feel like you’re being attacked by a gay dude with a big plastic penis. And that’s the romantic in me.



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