Fox News recently (and rightfully) asked whether The Muppets are “trying to brainwash your kids against capitalism?” Of course, the liberal left got all up in arms even though, as the question mark clearly indicates, this is an innocuous question intended to open a dialog.

That said, the answer is “yes.” Those rat bastards in the entertainment industry have started pushing their politics on children at a younger and younger age, knowing that their mushy brains are too soft and stupid to know the difference between right and wrong. Sadly, the children most susceptible to this brainwashing are the ones raised in sound families with two working parents. They’re betting that while you are out working at Exxon/Mobil or tending to your independently-owned rifle store, they can sink their claws into your children.

Well, it stops now. Here is an introductory list to the most egregious offenders of this practice.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers

Way to tell half the story, Captain Planet! Of course you’re the brainchild of noted land-hoarder Ted Turner. You demonstrate how children the world over can band together to preserve threatened eco-sysytems, but you don’t ever discuss how drilling for oil in national parks can preserve US hegemony at the low, low price of a few birds or maybe a species of rare otter.

Also, Captain Planet is weakened by pollution, like smog and nuclear radiation. Oh, I’m sorry CAPTAIN PLANET! Maybe we’ll just power our houses and skyscrapers with rainbows and happy thoughts. It’s like he doesn’t even care that Detroit is losing market share to Japan even as I type this.

Also, his slogan… "The power is yours?" HA! Maybe if the child watching the show happens to be a US Senator, otherwise, the power lies in Washington, where it belongs.


Babar is French, and, as such, represents the biggest threat to American values in the world right now. As I’ve said before, his green suit tacitly condones an alternative lifestyle. He also wears a crown. What’s he the king of? You can't just make yourself a king! You know who does that? Qadaffi. Pol Pot. Stalin. Jimmy Carter. In other words, bad people do that.

Fat Albert

Fat Albert promotes obesity. He’s just too damn fat. I don’t care if, when children watch the show, they “just might learn somethin’,” and I certainly don’t care if they’re “gonna have a good time.” I care that a planet of a man in a giant red sweater is “Hey hey hey”-ing his way into co-opting my child’s values with stories of sharing.

Also, that Mushmouth simply butchers the English language, while Dumb Donald is just too dumb.

Starting at an early age, children should be taught that the way to live well is by studying hard so that one day you can get a job in the financial services industry, not by hanging out with your friends and helping people out. Typical liberal bullshit.


This show has a clear liberal agenda in that it forces a vegan diet on children. Why will spinach make you so strong? You know what else makes you strong? Industrial grade beef from Texas stockyards. The hormones are balanced just right so that you have the strength to turn in terrorists and report suspicious activity. Why is the only character who is man enough to enjoy hamburgers called Wimpy? He should be called something manly like Cliff or Clint.

Further, Bluto is what the gay community would refer to as a “bear.” Let me go on record as saying that ALL types of bears are dangerous. Some to groups of Boy Scouts camping in the wilderness, and others to… well, groups of Boy Scouts camping in the wilderness.

Schoolhouse Rock

Why is this show so obsessed with letting children know how things work? Let sleeping dogs lie. I don’t need to know how the government works to know that the liberal Jewish media is destroying this country. I have never learned what a conjunction is or how it works, and I’m still able to send eloquent manifestos to the New York Times every Veterans Day.

You’re just a bill? A lonely bill? Maybe you wouldn’t be so lonely if you did something useful like spark corporate spending instead of coddling the homeless and giving poor people all those free abortions.

Care Bears

Here’s a list of Care Bears characters:

Bedtime Bear
Birthday Bear
Cheer Bear
Friend Bear
Funshine Bear
Good Luck Bear
Grumpy Bear
Love-a-lot Bear
Tenderheart Bear
Wish Bear
Baby Hugs Bear
Champ Bear
Daydream Bear
Forest Friend Bear
Grams Bear
I Love You Bear

“I Love You Bear?” “Funshine Bear?” Oh. Yeah. These guys will help us win the war on terror. This is such a standard pacifist agenda. Where is “Increased Military Spending Bear” or “Smoke ‘Em Out of Their Holes Bear?”

They’re probably enduring a shitstorm in Afghanistan while these guys play an acoustic guitar and talk about their feelings.

Also, it's rude to stare.

Go, Diego, Go/Dora the Explorer

I haven’t seen these shows, but I once saw my housekeeper’s daughter wearing a Dora the Explorer sweatshirt, so I’m pretty sure that this show brainwashes our children into opening up our borders.

If Dora is so unhappy with the United States that she feels the need to “explore,” maybe she should leave this fine country. Or at the very least go to Florida or New Mexico.

Electric Company

Why are these men so close to each other? And why can’t we see their hands?

Shame on you, Electric Company. Shame on your eyes.

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