Next week, the DVD of Sam Jackson’s Meeting Evil hits stores, which gives us at Screen Junkies pause to wonder if it ever really pays to mess with Samuel L. Jackson. I mean, there are probably a couple of guys I fear a little more (Michael Madsen and Danny Trejo come to mind), but that list is short.

Sam Jackson can disassemble your constitution with literally one f-bomb. So it’s best to steer clear of the man and mess with someone you can handle. Like Jason Biggs.

Here are eight characters that learned that lesson the hard way.

The Snakes on a Plane

I don’t know if snakes are aware of who Samuel L. Jackson is, but they should be after seeing how they fare in this campy B-movie nod. Snakes, roaches, lizards, and geckos should all give Mr. Jackson a very wide berth. He is not one to be trifled with. If he doesn’t have a weapon, he will literally curse at you in an angry voice until you die of shame. Of all God’s creatures, only Sam Jackson can do that.

Prince Akeem and Semmi

Sometimes even a broken clock is right.

In Coming to America, these two African transplants draw upon their martial arts training to thwart a disheveled Jackson’s attempted robbery at McDowell’s. In case you were wondering, McDowell’s is the place with the golden arcs. Not arches. Arcs.

When Eddie Murphy’s Akeem sweeps Jackson’s leg (with a mop), Semmi steps up, catches the gun out of the air and lays down the law.

Though it worked out for these two this time, going forward I can’t recommend that anyone mess with Samuel L. This probably won’t be the outcome 95% of the time.

The Guy in the Closet with the Hand Cannon

Just don’t fire guns at Samuel L., okay? That should be a rule. In Pulp Fiction, this poor fella is hiding in the bathroom as Vincent and Jules are wondering if Marcellus Wallace looks like a bitch. And right about the time that Jules divulges that his girlfriend being a vegetarian pretty much makes him a vegetarian too, this guy comes out firing. For some reason, the bullets seem to swerve around the duo. They look around, amazed, before getting a peeved look on their face and lighting the guy up with about ten bullets.

If you fire a gun at SLJ (I don’t expect that name to stick), God will pull some of that divine intervention crap and rain down furious anger, just like Ezekiel said he would.

The Two Rednecks

In case this isn’t totally clear to you right off the bat, the two rednecks in question were the men in A Time to Kill that raped and assaulted his character’s daughter. Completely devastated and shaken, he seeks redress against these men after the justice system fails him. He comes into the courtroom shooting and takes them out, and also a constable in the process.

Fortunately, he’s got a young Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock for lawyers, so he not only avoids the death penalty, but gets acquitted on all charges.

I wouldn’t expect this same result if you hire Magic Mike as your lawyer.

The Police Commander

I thought about just comprising this list of seven people that screw with Sam Jackson’s character in The Negotiator, but that wouldn’t be a very exciting list. I mean, I liked The Negotiator, but I’m aware it wasn’t a very good movie. And recapping it by citing seven people who wronged his negotiating character would probably be overkill. However, the internal affairs snitch played by J.T. Walsh, and the police commander played by often-jerk Ron Rifkin are worth noting.

Most of the people who cross Jackson die, except for Rifkin, who gets clipped in the arm in an effort to prevent him from committing suicide.

Yeah. I just spoiled The Negotiator for you. Cry about it.

The Shark

So the shark from Deep Blue Sea pretty much has his way with Jackson without much direct recourse. I mean, yeah, the shark gets his comeuppance, but that’s not really related to his attacking and eating the shit out of Sam Jackson.

The moral here is that if you’re an African prince or a giant mutant shark, there’s a chance that you can mess with Samuel L. Jackson, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea for the rest of us. So here’s my rule of thumb.

Don’t mess with Samuel L. Jackson. Best case scenario, you get away with it. Worst case scenario, he not only kills you, but precedes dispatching you with a really long, intense monologue that makes you terrified for your last minutes on earth.

Not good times. Don’t mess with Samuel L.