7 Shittiest Television Christmas Specials

Monday, December 5 by

Larry the Cable Guy’s Star-Studded Christmas Extravaganza

On the one hand, I hate the pride Larry and friends feel when he makes a piss poor, unfunny, old man joke. But on the other, those fit young women aren’t wearing a lot of clothes. It’s like a Penthouse cartoon got a TV adaptation.

Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

Rankin/Bass lifted their skirts and proved themselves to be whores with this one. Greedy from the success of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, they decided to tell the story of the misfit jackass, Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey. But this transparent Rudolph clone didn’t just steal from its inspiration, but it also went into the territory of another famous ruminant mammal. Not only do his long ears get his teased mercilessly (even by Rudolph (total dick), but his mother also freezes to death while trying to keep her mutant son warm. If there’s ever a rash of serial killings in the North Pole, I recommend FBI profilers swing by Nestor’s stable for an interview.

Christmas Comes to Pac-Land

Much like Tim Allen, Pac-Man must don Santa’s coat and make his appointed rounds after accidentally killing him. Okay. He doesn’t kill him, but his reckless eating of ghosts causes Santa’s reindeer to crash after being spooked by their floating disembodied eyes. He’ll be lucky if those reindeer ever decide to fly again. The therapy bills for livestock are astronomical.

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