7 Reasons ‘Underworld’ Is Better Than ‘Twilight’

Wednesday, May 9 by
She's got this.  

Underworld: Awakening hit video stores yesterday, and in honor of the occassion, we felt that the saga deserves to be pitted head-to-head against that unholy OTHER vampire series to see how the two stack up against each other. As fans of this site could probably presume, it’s Underworld in a walk. Nice try, R-Pats.

Beckinsale Over Stewart In A Landslide

Kate Beckinsale, besides being sexier than Stewart by a country mile, also knows that “acting” isn’t synonymous with “twitching.”

I don’t really know how to better frame this argument. Oh, wait. A single visual comparison should do the trick.

I wanted to give Stewart a fighting chance, so I found a rare pic of her smiling. Still not even close.

It Started As A Revenge Story, Not A Love Story

At least, I think Twilight was a love story. Those kids didn’t really seem to love much of anything but themselves and their beautiful bodies. The Underworld saga began with Selene (Beckinsale) hunting down the Lycans that supposedly killed her family.

If you’re settling in for a supernatural thriller, would you rather the plot runs more to Kill Bill or Pretty Woman? If your answer is Pretty Woman, you might just want to keep it to yourself. Further, I like my heroes in black body suits and carrying spears, not with bedhead and deep-vee t-shirts.

Beckinsale Trashed Twilight, And That’s Pretty Cool

She said that her daughter Lily’s obsession with the Twilight books almost “ruined Christmas.” I know how you feel, Kate. Every Christmas I’ve had since Twilight was first published has been ruined by sexy vampires. It’s terrible.

Further fanning the flames of this pseudo-rivalry, Beckinsale once claimed that her character Selene would destroy Edward Cullen in a fight. I think even Robert Pattinson would have to agree with that.

Simply A Better Title

Underworld is soooo much better than Twilight. Underworld makes me think about seedy creatures that wouldn’t only try to kill me, but possibly steal my watch and pawn it for drugs. If I’m in Underworld, I’m in for an adventure, unpleasant as it may be.

Twilight conjures up images of old people eating dinner at 5:30 in the fall. Because Twilight makes me think of early evening (pretty much the most unremarkable part of the whole day) and people who are so old that they’re almost dead (again, not terribly exciting).

Then we’ve got the sequels. Both franchises keep their titles, but offer colons (hehe) and a subtitle. Underworld offers Rise of the Lycans, Evolution, and Awakenings.

Twilight gives us New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. Lame. Sounds like a weather report.

Underworld, After Four Films, Remains Lautner-Free

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Taylor Lautner is a nice guy. Actually, no, I’m not sure about that. He could be a jerk. But I’ll assume he’s nice. I’m also comfortable assuming that his mother was a human and his father was a chipmunk.

And no amount of sit-ups can ever change that.

The Lautner situation is a indicative of a bigger rift between the two films. Twilight seems to feature shirtless boys, whereas Underworld has largely spotlighted sexy women, albeit not many topless ones. To each their own, but it’s my list, so I’m giving the go-ahead to the film that features the sexy women killing beasts, rather than the mopey teenage boys pouting.

A controversial stance, no doubt.

Underworld Hasn’t Spawned An Annoying Subculture

If you’re going to counter with “fanboys can be pretty annoying,” then allow me to counter your counter with “the fanboy culture was around long before Underworld dug its talons into it.

Whereas Twilight, with its accessible love stories, and broadly drawn characters, managed to captivate the masses with stories of lame high-school Vampire love. Vampires and werewolves aren’t cool because they fall in love. They’re cool because they get in fights and bite people in the neck and kill them.

Underworld will be viewed as more of a story than a phenomenon, which is what history tends to favor. No people camping out in lines (not many, anyway), and certainly none of this:

Seriously. Kate Beckinsale

If you’re complaining about her inclusion twice, just be grateful that I didn’t include her in all seven entries. Wait. Why would anyone be grateful I didn’t do that?

Weirdo.

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