Goofiness is great until you have to live with it twenty-four hours a day. Nightmares should stay intangible, just like these seven quirky girls in film that would be terrible to know in real life.
Hit Girl, “Kick-Ass”. The daddy issues alone would keep you up at night, waiting to get stabbed well into your Depends wearing years. Strong women are awesome, but women who enjoy killing can be terrifying, and she’s got years to go before she reaches post adolescent strength. Check out her destruction of Rasul and his buddies in “Kick-Ass” if you still think she’d make an excellent play date for your niece.
“Catwoman”. Cats and dogs are great pets, but when you find someone just a bit too obsessed with either of them, it’s time to avoid quick moments and walk away slowly. Patience takes being a cat burglar to the next level in “Catwoman”, and though it might be fun to have a thief as your friend in imagination land, having to add the weekend routine of buying a new door since the cops keep kicking them down as soon as you put them up would grow old really fast. As she mimics how a cat might talk in the Halsburg Jewelry heist scene, you’ll realize that it just wasn’t meant to be.
MacGuff, “Juno”. Juno MacGuff went through a teen pregnancy, fought off an insanely creepy adoptive client and hung out with her anti-testosterone boyfriend, so on paper she might be fun. However, no matter what trials and tribulations you went through, she’d bust out with “Ever fought off Justin Bateman?”, and slowly you’d become more and more introverted until they found you at the bottom of a lake. Check out her discussion with Su-Chin at the clinic to fully realize that you’re never going to get a word in edgewise if she were real, so be happy “Juno” is just a film.
Bo Hess, “Signs”. Having survived one heck of an alien attack, Bo Hess isn’t going to be content with play dates with your kids or being told there are no monsters in her closet when you baby-sit. Throw in the possibility that her mother’s talent for prophecy got passed down genetically, and you have a quirky little girl that would be rough to know in real life. Waking her father up because she needs more water is a cute scene in “Signs”, but is only the tip of the iceberg in the water obsession you’ll have to deal with as she grows up.
Mattie Ross, “True Grit”. A day won’t pass without you having to run through all the interactions you had with Mattie Ross to ensure you didn’t do anything that she might find worthy of vengeance. Tough as nails with a determination that could conquer the Earth, Mattie is a girl filled with scary quirks that would cause you to start sucking your thumb again. Sent up a tree to cut down a corpse in “True Grit”, Mattie is perfect material for a zombie apocalypse, but not for buying Girl Scout cookies from in the real world.
Rogue, “X2”. Passing by the minor inconvenience of her ability to drain your life/power, Rogue has a bigger, hairier issue that goes by the name of Uncle Wolverine. As her boyfriend Iceman meets Wolverine, you see a scene from “X2” that sets the potential for a lot of broken furniture if she ever dropped into your world.